…Next To Godliness
Keeping a clean home is important, though very few of us have this matter in perspective. Surely, there are some of us who live in squalor (mostly emotionally stunted straight men, or weird girls trying to make a point about how much they hate their mothers). So too, there are those of us who over- emphasize a clean and orderly living space (usually out of work gay men). Neither of these extremes is ideal, and all of us know it, but have trouble putting cleanliness into the proper proportion. But how do you know if you are out of balance in this part of your life? Look around your home, and see if any of the following criteria apply:
SLOVENLY: I don’t know if you know this, but any amount of feces is too much feces. Even that little bit stuck to the rim of the toilet that you keep trying to dislodge with urine is too much. You are disgusting.
SLOVENLY: Seriously, you own an X-Box, but not a vacuum cleaner?
SLOVENLY: You named a mouse or cockroach. Hey, that’s not whimsical, that’s the behavior of a homeless person. In case you didn’t know: From microbes to children, no living thing should be residing in your home to which you did not give specific permission.
SLOVENLY: If you’ve ever said, in your own defense, “Even though you can’t see it, I know exactly where everything is,” chances are you’re not just a pig, you’re also some kind of hoarder. Maybe it’s time to get rid of the shot glass collection, yes? And while we’re at it, your collection of tampon applicators from the beaches of the world…no one wants to see that.
SLOVENLY: Go stand in your shower, without the water running, for three minutes. Did you have an asthma attack? It’s time you were introduced to a product called bleach.
NOTE: Most women can get away with this behavior, provided they give a fairly good blow-job and make certain declarations during coitus.
To be fair, slovenly people tend to be more easy-going, fun-loving people. They’re great people to know…..they’re just great people who live in filth and don’t have an IRA.
ANAL: If you’ve ever foregone sex for cleaning, there is a problem. Remember, a clean house is supposed to get you sex, you neurotic moron.
ANAL: Upon leaving the dentist, you ask for extra toothbrushes to clean grout. It is a virtual certainty you are spending too much time at home.
ANAL: Any sort of non-sexual fascination with the aesthetics of Sweden pretty much guarantees you have some form of OCD.
ANAL: Look at your calendar. If there is a specific date per month you designate for de-liming your shower head, chances are you had too close a relationship with your mother.
ANAL: How excited are you to talk about the miracle of Micro-Fiber cloths? If you said at all, it’s too much.
ANAL: Nature just seems messy. You must be a fucking joy to be around.
NOTE: Most men over the age of twenty-eight can get away with this behavior, because, as women age they stop being interested in exciting men. “You cook and iron?! Holy shit! Well, I’ll take that over a quality orgasm any day!”
Here’s a good rule of thumb: Your house should be clean enough that a woman, who is a college graduate, would come over and have sex without getting all weepy and distant afterward. Even if you are a woman, this is a pretty fair standard (and if you are a woman who went to liberal arts college, the chances are it’s happened at least once). On the other hand, you should not be cleaning your house in such a way that you believe you are cleaning what’s wrong with you. In other words, you should not keep your house so clean that you are not living your life…even if your life is obsessing over your profile on J-Date.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions
