Causes and Conditions
The love between a parent and child should be unconditional. For instance, it’s probably a bad idea to withhold love from a child because they got a B+ instead of an A. That’s what first generation Asian parents do, and that’s why there are so many Asian girls in porn. As a general rule, though children need clear boundaries, they should feel that they are safe and loved at all times. This is not only a Platonic ideal, it’s likely the best way to produce well-adjusted adults. Of course, there are no guarantees. You can do everything right and your kid might still be like, “I want to go on the stage Mama! Can’t you see me dance Mama!”
You must consider boundaries for your child and your own personal boundaries while not letting those become conditions for love. It can be confusing and overwhelming at times, but if that ever happens, do what all good mothers do: Have some General Foods International Coffee and pray to Oprah for guidance. You also might want to watch whatever happens to be on TLC at that moment. After seeing some weird Christian lady raising twelve kids, or some guy with flipper hands go on a date, you’ll be like, “Yeah, I can do this…we’re going to be alright, little baby; we’re going to be just fine.” Then smile knowingly and sing “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
Here are some guidelines for boundaries:
• Your child’s boundaries: There are the obvious things, like “Don’t touch the stove,” or “We don’t head-butt mommy in the vagina.” There will be subtler issues as well. For instance, don’t shame your child when they turn gay (they all do, what with television and teaching evolution in schools and whatnot); however, you might suggest, “Hide your homosexuality – especially from your father, who expresses his confusion with anger.” The boundaries you set should be designed to make your kids safe and comfortable in the civilized world. This is why home-schooling is best. Your kids will be safe at the compound, where you can prepare them with firearms-training and bible study. Then, when the ATF comes, or the Rapture (likely the same event), they’ll know what to do. Don’t try to interfere. Let that baby bird leave the nest.
• Your own boundaries: Parenting is often about sacrifices (at least, according to Mama Yasumura…if she’s any indicator, you might want to keep a list of those sacrifices, so you can read it to your kids during menopause). It’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and wants. It’s important that you do not let this happen. You need to eat and sleep. You need adult friends. Sometimes you need to leave your child in the car for a few minutes while you go into an unmarked building in West Hollywood and later come back really sweaty and strangely calm. Whatever it is, you can’t raise healthy children if you are physically, mentally or emotionally unwell yourself. This is why, in airplanes, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first, then help your child. That way you are both OK, for the last thirty seconds of your lives, before you become debris all over the Midwest.
• Expression: You might want to be careful how much you express your unconditional love for your children. We’re not talking about having sex with your kids – but you shouldn’t do that either – unless you’re willing to commit to that lifestyle. In a non-sexual relationship with your kids, too much love and support can stunt the child. Then you end-up with a thirty-two-year-old man smoking pot in your basement (don’t judge). If you ever feel like this might be happening, run what Papa Yasumura used to call “a drill.” At 3 AM or so, run into your child’s bedroom, blowing an air-horn, and screaming, “It’s a nuclear holocaust – what are you going to do?! What are you going to do?!! If you died right now, would you have any regrets?! Are you actualized as a person? Are you?!!” Those kids will leave home at the appropriate time, and soar like eagles.
• Conditions: The truth is, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Even in the love between parent and child, there should be reasonable conditions, like “If you committed genocide, it might be a problem for me.” No matter how remote such situations may seem, it might be a good idea to explain them to your child at some point. You can use the New York Penal Code, as expressed on “Law & Order” to be your guide. For instance, “If you committed Manslaughter 1, I’ll still love you; however, Murder 2 and Santa is never going to visit ever again.” Usually around age eight or so, you should write out a list and read it to them. Things like, “If it turns out you are a serial rapist, you will need to get your own attorney; but if it’s date-rape, I have some money set aside.” Or, “I would rather you not embezzle funds from a company, but I’ll still send you a savings bond on your birthday. On the other hand, don’t manage a Ponzy Scheme in which you wipe out ten percent of Jewish wealth in America . That would be a deal-breaker.”
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
