The Traveler
Traveling is extremely stressful; it can be bodily, psychologically and spiritually devastating. Remember, as recently as one hundred years ago, it was not uncommon for people to die as a direct result of travel (also, one hundred years ago it was common to correct all manner of illness with elixer of cocaine…so it all worked-out). Though long distance travel has become faster and more convenient, it is still fraught with all sorts of perils and stressors. Just ask any comic from the eighties, and man, you will get an earful – an earful of hilarity! (Coincidentally, all comics in the eighties did a lot of cocaine). The specific hazards of travel, and their remedies are too numerous to list herein (but, as a rule of thumb, take a lesson from history: always travel with cocaine, and you’ll be laughing your travel-troubles away in no time!). Here are just a few tips that should make your next trip a better one:
• Used to be, if you were in a foreign country, and you got in trouble, all you had to do was stand up, and in a loud, clear voice say, “Hey, I’m a Goddamn American you bunch of fucking faggots!” and all problems would cease. However, since Barack “Muslim Hitler” Obama became President, Americans don’t get quite the free ride they once did. Some people might tell you to put a Canadian flag on your backpack, be polite and hope for the best. Nonsense. A Canadian flag is an invitation to have people asking you to tell a joke, or say the word “About.” Instead of a Canadian flag, why not a handicapped placard? Just walk with a limp and talk with a mild slur. You will get a Disneyland Fast Pass pretty much wherever you go.
• Xanex. If you get anxious traveling, you want Xanex and lots of it. Macrobiotic homosexuals will recommend St. John’s Wort, or meditation, some such nonsense. Wrong. Go to the most scrip-happy shrink you can find and tell him: “If there isn’t an extreme danger of addiction, I don’t want it. So make with the Zanex, or the Klonopin, or the Ambien – cuz full-blown consciousness is not serving me well.”
• If you have any doubts about the legality of something, keister it.
• You can get a free room for the night and extra spending cash, in any major city in the world, if you are willing to adopt a certain pliability to your sexuality.
• Foreign food is shit – if not out right poisonous. MacDonald’s is in every country and it’s the only thing which won’t kill you (not quickly, at least). MacDonald’s also has this added bonus: In most countries it doubles as a U.S. embassy. So, if you’re ever in trouble, run to the golden arches and the police can’t touch you.
• Foreigners are much more hospitable than Americans. Seriously, if you knock on a poor person’s door and say “I want food,” they’ll totally feed you – even if they have to kill their last goat. The etiquette of hospitality runs so deep over seas that you can just ask for stuff. Don’t be afraid to say, “Hey, I like this painting, can I have it?” If you don’t believe it, the Team Yasumura compound is decorated with precious family heirlooms from indigent Eastern Europeans – all free!
• Finally, travel with someone. Generally speaking, you want to travel with someone you just started dating. That always works out.
