Team Yasumura

Perchance to Dream

Perchance to Dream

After a long hiatus, the Team Yasumura blog has returned.  This week it is transmitted from The Team Yasumura Compound East, in an undisclosed location in the wilds of New England (just past the Dunkin’ Donuts; if you hit the Cumby’s, you’ve gone too far).  Of course, New England was the recent victim of Hurricane Irene’s mighty wrath (Hurricane Irene by the way was also the name of a feather-weight champion in the short-lived Women’s Octogenarian Bare Knuckle Boxing League).  Team members need not worry.  Although people in Vermont have lost everything (mostly hippie stuff), the Team Compound remains intact.  Robert, his various girlfriends, children and security personnel remain unharmed. 

Having once again been shown favor by the mighty Zeus, Robert has begun screaming his blogs to his dutiful manservant Andreas, who transcribes them and adds them to the Team’s body of wisdom. 

Witness:

No doubt about it.  This sure is a crazy mixed up world, where a gorilla can jump out of anywhere; you could find yourself on a cross country race for buried treasure; bikini clad girls might dance around while your band plays at an impromptu beach luau.  Also, there’s genocide.  Anyhoo, it’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy of day-to-day living and lose sight of the basics

At our core, we are still animals, and as such, the most essential things we must do every day are eat, sleep, and excrete.  Sure, you can skip one of these things sometimes, but why would you?  Do you have something to prove?  Are you a Navy Seal all of a sudden?  Are you some kind of anti-pooping fetishist?  Honestly!  The general suggestion is, barring extreme conditions, to take care of these basics every day. 

Of course, for the sake of convenience and efficiency, you can combine these activities.  You could, for instance, shit while sleeping.  The Japanese have been doing this for years, and it accounts for their economic success through the 1980’s.  Unfortunately, in the ‘90’s Japanese workers suddenly thought they were too good to shit in their beds, and their economy went to hell.  You could also eat meals on the toilet.  Eating on the toilet takes some getting used-to, and it generally ruins the pleasure of both activities, but it definitely can be done. Some people can even eat while sleeping (lucky bastards on feeding tubes, or who sleep walk, or who have intense eating disorders and sleep on pillows made from cold cuts).  However, for most of us, there really is no practical method for achieving this feat without potential bodily harm (like Mother Yasumura used to always say, “People who sleep on ham, die on ham.”)

Of these activities, sleep takes up the most time.  You have spent, and will spend, roughly a third of your life sleeping.  It is vital to good physical and mental health that you get the appropriate amount of sleep, and an appropriate quality of sleep.  An example of high quality sleep is you just lying there, breathing.  An example of poor quality sleep is you tossing and turning while gripping a handgun and muttering, “The damn gooks are inside the wire sarge!”

There are lots of books and pamphlets on the subject of sleep and health (the best one is Anne Coulter’s “Eat, Sleep, Hate”).  You should read every single one of these books.  Take a leave of absence from work if you must.  In the mean time, here are some tips about sleep from Robert Yasumura:

• You can never sleep too much.  Don’t let any “expert” tell you differently.  You can sleep twenty-two hours a day without a problem.  This in no way indicates anemia, Epstein-Barr, sleeping sickness, or clinical depression.  If a “doctor” tells you otherwise, you tell them “Go back to your magical potions and your Obama-Care you devil-wizard!!”  If that doctor really cared about your sleep, he’d spoon with you for an hour while you caught a nap.  Remember, in many societies, excessive sleeping is considered a sign of virility (citation needed).

•  You’ve heard the phrase “sleep like a baby.”  Yeah, babies are like theat.  They just lie there, all peaceful, as if to say, “Check me out.  This is what sleep looks like when you’re not anxious all the time about your bad life choices!”  You should be so lucky as to sleep like a baby.  Give it a try.  Build an adult sized crib; sleep in a diaper; every four hours, wake up and suck a tit.  If you want more information on this topic, Google “Adult Baby Play.”  Not only might you learn to sleep better, you might discover a whole new lifestyle. 

•  Drugs:  Many people will tell you natural sleep is best.  These are the same assholes who tell you “global warming is real” and “We won’t publish this book – it’s just one long stalker letter to Christiane Amanpour.”  There are loads of great chemical and dietary supplements to help you sleep, and we recommend them all.  As Mother Yasumura used to say, “When you just need to stop having these thoughts, you take when you can get…now Baby, do the dance Mama likes so much!”  There’s Zanex, Unisom, heroine, Benadryl, Lunesta, marijuana, alcohol, horse tranquilizers (Keith Moon Killers), and on and on.  Better still, there are a virtually infinite number of combinations therein - just play around with different cocktails and see what works for you.  Try a roast turkey leg, hit of Rohypnol, and a bottle of warm NyQuil.  Go crazy.  Don’t forget, you can also take stimulants, and when the crash comes, you will sleep like crazy.  Yeah.  If sleeping is your issue, the cure might be less sleep – a lot less sleep…talking really fast with a stripper named Dakota (who is actually from South Dakota!  How crazy is that?!) in the house of some guy you don’t know (by the way, where is that fucking guy?  He said he was gonna take a leak, but he’s been gone for like a day…), ‘til finally you’re out of coke or meth or coke, and you drive home really fucking fast, put foil on the windows so the FBI can’t monitor you, and you finally get some really good sleep.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

Massacre of Love

Valentine’s Day approaches (or, as it is known to those in a relationship:  Mandatory Dinner/Mandatory Blowjob Day).  As many of you know, Team Yasumura Compound celebrates by urinating on each other (see Robert Yasumura’s book Robotronics, chapter on “Hygiene During Safe-Play”).   Cynics often say, “Valentine’s is a bullshit holiday, made up by Hallmark” (Hallmark, by the way, is a division of Haliburton).  People who say things like this are sad, lonely douche bags, who also say things like, “Pinkberry might be overrated,” and “I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin isn’t very smart.”  Heartless assholes, every last one of them.  Of course these people are wrong.  St. Valentine’s Day is celebrated all over the world.  The Feast of St. Valentine comes from the old Catholic Calendar (traditionally, the day the priest gives chocolates and flowers to all the boys before molesting them).  It is also featured in the calendars of the Eastern Orthodox, Anglican and Lutheran Churches.  These various Christian exported Valentine’s Day around the world, along with small pox and intolerance.

Let’s take a moment to go around the globe and see how different countries celebrate this wonderful holiday:

•  In Colombia, the woman is kidnapped.  Not playfully so, as in “I’m kidnapping you for a weekend at a day spa!”  No, she is full-on kidnapped, with a bag over her head, gun in her mouth, and sweaty men groping her.  The man receives a “Proof of life.”  He then negotiates the ransom (typically a thousand dollars for every year of the relationship).  After the ransom drop is made, the woman is returned by being thrown naked from a moving van.  Then they snort cocaine.

•  In Japan, Valentine’s is an all day event.  First there are the Robot Fights.  In the afternoon, Godzilla comes out of Tokyo bay.  If she is repelled by the Japanese defense forces it means all the women are fertile for another year.  In the evening, there is an intimate meal, traditionally comprised of fermented dolphin meat and shad roe.  Finally, lovers adjourn to their paper bedrooms, where they show one another their pubic hair and giggle.

•  In Rio De Janeiro, Valentine’s is the only day of the year in which people don’t have sex or walk around naked.

•  In Germany on Valentine’s Day…well, let’s just say, the trains aren’t the only things that come on time that day (Hello!!!!).  Seriously though, on February 14^th, you do not want to be in Berlin at 8:15 PM (Greenwich Mean Time), unless you want to hear every man in Germany say at once “Ich Habe eingedrungen deine Polen!” (I have invaded your Poland!).

•  French couples make love on the morning of Valentine’s day, then enjoy a hearty brunch.  At noon, the husband’s mistress calls and hangs-up.  Husband and wife fight and smoke cigarettes.  The man storms out, giving him leave to take his girlfriend to the movies (le cinema), where they see a black and white film, and she performs fellatio.  Although not a legal holiday, no one shows up to work, sometimes for several days.

•  In the Netherlands, Valentine’s is a sort of Sadie Hawkins event, where, for one day, prostitutes have to pay the customers.

•  Finally, in Italy, the home of St. Valentine, couples are visited by a Santa-like character:  Alfonse the Loving Negro.  The legendary Alfonse was a Moor who taught unpleasant women to be nice through the use of his giant penis and easy-going manner.  These days, Alfonse is usually played by out-of-work American character actors like Danny Glover or Blaire Underwood.  Alfonse brings a gift basket of fresh olives and grainy pornography, then flies off to his next destination.  In Sicily, Alfonse is often shot several times to make a point about what happens when you talk to the police.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.