Massacre of Love
Valentine’s Day approaches (or, as it is known to those in a relationship: Mandatory Dinner/Mandatory Blowjob Day). As many of you know, Team Yasumura Compound celebrates by urinating on each other (see Robert Yasumura’s book Robotronics, chapter on “Hygiene During Safe-Play”). Cynics often say, “Valentine’s is a bullshit holiday, made up by Hallmark” (Hallmark, by the way, is a division of Haliburton). People who say things like this are sad, lonely douche bags, who also say things like, “Pinkberry might be overrated,” and “I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin isn’t very smart.” Heartless assholes, every last one of them. Of course these people are wrong. St. Valentine’s Day is celebrated all over the world. The Feast of St. Valentine comes from the old Catholic Calendar (traditionally, the day the priest gives chocolates and flowers to all the boys before molesting them). It is also featured in the calendars of the Eastern Orthodox, Anglican and Lutheran Churches. These various Christian exported Valentine’s Day around the world, along with small pox and intolerance.
Let’s take a moment to go around the globe and see how different countries celebrate this wonderful holiday:
• In Colombia, the woman is kidnapped. Not playfully so, as in “I’m kidnapping you for a weekend at a day spa!” No, she is full-on kidnapped, with a bag over her head, gun in her mouth, and sweaty men groping her. The man receives a “Proof of life.” He then negotiates the ransom (typically a thousand dollars for every year of the relationship). After the ransom drop is made, the woman is returned by being thrown naked from a moving van. Then they snort cocaine.
• In Japan, Valentine’s is an all day event. First there are the Robot Fights. In the afternoon, Godzilla comes out of Tokyo bay. If she is repelled by the Japanese defense forces it means all the women are fertile for another year. In the evening, there is an intimate meal, traditionally comprised of fermented dolphin meat and shad roe. Finally, lovers adjourn to their paper bedrooms, where they show one another their pubic hair and giggle.
• In Rio De Janeiro, Valentine’s is the only day of the year in which people don’t have sex or walk around naked.
• In Germany on Valentine’s Day…well, let’s just say, the trains aren’t the only things that come on time that day (Hello!!!!). Seriously though, on February 14th, you do not want to be in Berlin at 8:15 PM (Greenwich Mean Time), unless you want to hear every man in Germany say at once “Ich Habe eingedrungen deine Polen!” (I have invaded your Poland!).
• French couples make love on the morning of Valentine’s day, then enjoy a hearty brunch. At noon, the husband’s mistress calls and hangs-up. Husband and wife fight and smoke cigarettes. The man storms out, giving him leave to take his girlfriend to the movies (le cinema), where they see a black and white film, and she performs fellatio. Although not a legal holiday, no one shows up to work, sometimes for several days.
• In the Netherlands, Valentine’s is a sort of Sadie Hawkins event, where, for one day, prostitutes have to pay the customers.
• Finally, in Italy, the home of St. Valentine, couples are visited by a Santa-like character: Alfonse the Loving Negro. The legendary Alfonse was a Moor who taught unpleasant women to be nice through the use of his giant penis and easy-going manner. These days, Alfonse is usually played by out-of-work American character actors like Danny Glover or Blaire Underwood. Alfonse brings a gift basket of fresh olives and grainy pornography, then flies off to his next destination. In Sicily, Alfonse is often shot several times to make a point about what happens when you talk to the police.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
