The Slippery Slope
Catholics believe not only are actions matters of judgment, even thoughts can be sinful. The “Seven Deadly Sins” are really a set of thoughts and/or feelings: lust, greed, anger, etc… This is why very few people really want to be Catholic (“So, you’re telling me, every time I have a basic human emotion, I should feel shame? Wouldn’t I be in almost a continuous state of shame and fear? That’s the point? Oh OK, well, I have your literature, but I gotta go…). Also, they molested a few kids, then systematically covered it up.
However, in this matter (the thought-as-sin part, not the have-sex-with-children-then-move-to-another-diocese part) Catholic thinking has a point. Human thoughts and feelings can easily get out of control and lead to destructive behavior. For instance, someone cuts you off on the highway. You become angry (wrathful). You allow these angry feelings to really run in your head. You tell yourself a story about the “injustice of it all.” Next thing you know, you’re dueling your car with a little old lady in a Corolla. Here’s another for instance: You’re walking along; you have a thought; you molest a child. Although living in a constant sate of shame is probably not recommended (unless you want to be awesome in bed), it’s a good idea to have a clear sense of the dangers of certain thoughts. For instance, if you had recognized that depression (sloth, despair) sooner, maybe now you wouldn’t be reading this blog and living at a men’s hotel where guys are constantly trying to steal your shit.
Catholics also hate irony for the same reason (just try going to mass wearing the same vestments as the priest – people do not get the joke). Certainly irony is the critical mechanism not only of comedy, but also of most art and language (“Say, why haven’t we had any new art or language around here in over a thousand years? Oh, because we’re Catholics, and we’re afraid if we recognize the progress of time people will stop listening to elderly celibate men”). However, irony, just like the wages of sin, can be a slippery slope. Here are a few instances of which you should be cautious:
• We used to say the word “Dude” ironically. We were making a little joke, by acting like stoners. After a few weeks of this, we couldn’t stop saying the word “Dude,” and now we sounded like the stoners we had mocked – which is another sort of irony.
• When speaking of your mother in the third person, you routinely refer to her as “The Sea Hag.” It’s pretty funny. One day, your mind wanders, and you call her this title to her face. Now you have to have a conversation in which you talk about your feelings and long-held resentments; the conversation you were hoping to avoid by her death.
• Ironic racism is funny when Sarah Silverman does it, and we all get the joke: she’s making fun of that kind of thinking. You know who couldn’t make that joke work? Hitler.
• Bowling is a weird and kitchey thing to do. Old, blue-collar people do bowling. Let’s go bowling for a “larf!” You know what would be really funny? If we all started wearing bowling shirts and acted like we were really into it! Oops…now you’re a bowler.
• Special credit to Team Member Ed Salazar of stamps.com: Maybe you shouldn’t try heroine ironically. Maybe that joke stops being funny much faster than you would like. “Hey, hey, look at me, I’m a junky! Ha! Ha!” easily turns into “Hey…hey…I’m a junky…I need help.”
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
