Defending the Title
You might be missing out on an incredible opportunity! Did you know you might be entitled to everything this world has to offer! More importantly, you might be entitled to act like you are entitled to everything! Now, you might be asking yourself, “How can I find out if I am entitled?” Well, if you match any or all of the descriptions below, then you are a winner, and can pick up your prizes immediately:
• You were raised by nannies; not even ethnic nannies; European nannies who called you “Liebschen” and read you “StrubelPeter.” You went to private school; not on scholarship – no, your parents paid full fucking price. In fact, they may have donated an extra wing to the school because you weren’t exactly an “ideal candidate” for admissions. You know what “Nobles Oblige” means – but you don’t care. If this sounds like you, congratulations! You can be rude to any waiter you want forever. You also could be the forty third President of The United States.
• You can tell yourself that you are a member of an oppressed race or class. It need not actually be true, nor do you need to have been oppressed yourself. For instance, if you can convince yourself adult white men have been totally victimized by the media, then you can fully expect the world to bend to your whims. Maybe you can be the Caucasian Sean “Diddy” Combs. Go get your gun and fire it in a crowded night club, and you’ll probably get off scott-free.
• You got everything you could ever want before the age of 25. Let’s say your uncle got you an internship at some film production company. Then a bunch of people were fired, and now you’re the vice president of development. Never mind that you don’t actually know what you’re doing (no one actually does – and yet all movies seem to turn out just fine). Clearly you are special – superior to the common hordes – otherwise, why would God, The Universe, and the rigorous Meritocracy of Hollywood choose you? They wouldn’t. So get out there and make some phone calls while driving in the carpool lane alone. Not only don’t the rules of society apply to you, the basic laws of action-and-consequence won’t touch you either. You could be like the guy who produces the “Girls Gone Wild Videos!” He has a plane.
• You take cocaine.
• You are a single mother. Never mind why you are a single mother, just know that your problems are now much worse than pretty much anyone who ever lived, and if anyone deserves anything they want, it’s you honey; it is definitely you. Remember, you are a total victim of this child (or children) that you chose to have. So, take that baby with colic, to the movies. You deserve a night out, even if your mother won’t baby-sit because she’s working on her “boundaries.” Afterwards, go return those shoes which you only wore six times. If they give you any shit about not having a receipt, tell them you are a single mother, and they’ll understand.
• You are old. Life has been hard and you’ve seen everything. If anyone has earned a berth above the common man, it is you. Remember, you’re going to die soon, so now is the time to drive slowly in the left hand lane and demand young people don’t have premarital sex.
• Finally, you are so paralyzingly insecure you need to compensate some how. As with some of the above descriptions, you can tell yourself you are a victim in some way. After all, you have trouble talking to people at parties, and sometimes you feel weird about not finishing community college. The best way to fix those problems is by acting like all people should be grateful for your presence. Now go some place public and have a loud cell phone conversation – even though you have no one to call.
Of course, you could choose to ignore this wonderful opportunity; be a pleasant, polite, and reasonable member of society. But why would you? Those of us who are entitled will think you are a total loser.
