The Empty Nest
So, the kids have gone off to college, or rehab, or their new life with that woman (but you’re not going to say anything about that cunt’s control issues and how no good will come of this – no, no – God Bless). Whatever the case, the kids are gone. Chances are, they did it to spite you, and you should take it personally. Really think about it a lot. Was there something you could’ve done differently? Don’t they love you anymore? Was it your drinking that drove them away? (It was). The more questions you ask, the better things will get.
Of course, ideally, they would stay at home and never leave. Together, you could have a chore wheel, and build a fort in the living room. Then you all could start collecting cats, and every Saturday could be “Look-at-the-Photo-Album-Night.” They would never have to take responsibility anything, and you could act as a sexual surrogate for them. Paradise.
You should face reality though: your children have left the house for good. You’ve spent eighteen-plus years worrying about their well-being, till you didn’t even know who you were anymore, and now they’ve left. Why didn’t they just nail you to a cross, or send you out on an ice flow or something? You look at those lucky people whose children got pregnant in adolescence, then disappeared once the babies were born.. Those lucky people get to go through the process of parenting all over again, and they get to do it at fifty – the best time for parenting. Lucky bitches. If your kids really loved you, they would do you that favor.
If it weren’t for the hysterectomy, prostate cancer, menopause, and/or child services, you could just go ahead and have a few more. Sure, you’ve even done some experiments in your garage to see if you can subvert God’s will in this matter (Experiment 1: Artificial creation of a new baby using items purchased at The Home Depot. Experiment 2: Also using items form Home depot, create a safe and soundproof room, where a child might stay until Stockholm Syndrome sets in). For the most part however, it is probably best you accept your new life-status and move forward in your life.
But how? Here are a few suggestions:
• Become a licensed therapist. It’s time you got that Masters Degree and started seeing patients. After all, you’ve been in therapy for years, and you’re pretty sure you can do it.
• Get your real estate license. You bought your own home, right? You got weirdly obsessive about property. You own your Chrysler Le Baron. You’re a people person. It’s like God wants this.
• Open a catering company. You’ve spent the last several years cooking for people (who totally took it for granted, by the way). You’re sister is willing to lend you the money to buy that truck. This is the idea that’s really going to work. Then, maybe some people will appreciate your cooking for once, and you can feel complete again.
• Join something. There are organizations out there (12-step programs, city councils, PTA boards, the Governorship of Alaska, etc…). They cannot turn down your help. No one else has the time or patience to run these things, so you can quickly be in a position of power just by virtue of your disposable time. Then they have to listen to you – no matter what petty or controlling issue you need to express. You’ll fix things…you’ll fix them good.
• Extra work on movies and television. Here is a job for which you are qualified. After all, you wake up at 5:00 AM anyway, and can’t get back to sleep for some weird reason. You own several wardrobe choices. You enjoy both sitting and standing. Now, you can mention in conversation, “Yeah, I worked on that film,” because now you’re an actor.
• Bother people. You know all those little errands you’ve done every day for years? Now you can actually talk to those cashiers and clerks. Now you can finally let them know what you’ve been thinking. They will always appreciate it.
Stay Strong America, And Await Further Instructions.
