A Rare Letter from The Team Leader
Dear Team Members:
I am furious. I am furious and you should be too. Yesterday, the State of Maine passed an anti-gay marriage proposition; the most recent of many such initiatives to pass a state legislature. There is not the time; my fingers do not have the energy enough to write it all out; my voice does not have the breath to say it all; to scream to America that we have done something wrong in these laws; that we have betrayed our own liberties an our own good thinking. If I am terribly calm, I can step back and see the history of America is always a history of social progress; it is a story in which every new chapter expands our understanding of what it is to be free, and what it is for our neighbors to know liberty. But I am no historian. Surely the great scholars of this and future generations will see these laws as shameful points in a greater argument, and surely posterity will judge those that put forth these propositions as the last villains who stood on the wrong side of progress. But I am no historian nor scholar. I enter the dialectic only as a comedian. I bring to this discussion only my understanding of irony and satire. So I will only speak to the humor of the tragic comedy that plays before us:
The most obvious joke about this whole thing is simply this: If same sex marriage had been made legal, and no one said anything, its opponents would never know a thing. The opponents of gay marriage (let’s call them bigots, both for the sake of expediency, and oh yes, profound accuracy) generally don’t know gay people. Let me amend that: They don’t know they know gay people. They probably know lots of gay people – gay people who are smart and/or scared enough to think, “Hey, maybe I don’t tell the guy with the bad haircut and WWJD bracelet that I really enjoy a nice glass of chardonnay and the company of men.” Sure, some bigots actually go out into the world, and know openly gay people. Ask them, and they’ll tell you, “I don’t hate homos, I have a friend who’s a homo, and I even let him in my house…provided there is a witness in the room to avoid shananigans.” Generally speaking though, bigots aren’t knowingly friendly with the rainbow flag set. Gay men and women could have been legally marrying for years before anyone found out.
So who let the cat out of the bag? Essentially, Karl Rove. Gay Marriage was really not an issue on the national radar at all. It was a science-fiction-like issue deep in the background along with meteor defense and what-to-do-if-sasquatches-are-real-and-they-organize-against-us. Then we come to the 2004 election season. The Bush administration was trailing in every area of approval. National polls indicated that if a candidate were to run simply named “I’m not Bush,” that person would win with a substantial majority. Then Karl Rove went to work. He activated the Republican communications machine, and made gay marriage an issue. It worked like a charm. Right wing pundits began saying, “We need to stop activist judges from attacking the institution of marriage.” Then gay activists said, “Oh, were we doing something? I guess we are now. OK. Equality for all!!” If, you know, you’re evil, it was really quite brilliant, because Mr. Rove knew that homosexuality is so viscerally frightening to most people, they would vote for George W. Bush just to not feel panicked and icky.
Interesting side note to all of this. Karl Rove’s step-father; the man who raised him; the man to whom he was closest, was an openly gay man who came-out late in life. During the 2004 campaign, Karl Rove actually took time off to go be by his father’s side while he was dying in the house he shared with his long-time lover. Then he went right back to work on one of the great hate-campaigns of the last thirty years. So, either Karl Rove was really giving a big “Fuck you” to the old man, or he was thinking, “Hey, my Dad is gay, so I think I know what I’m doing when I say we need to strip homos of a fundamental right of citizenship.” Ah Karl Rove. So evil. How we comedians miss you. He was the only public official in recent memory who would depart a room by simply disappearing in a cloud of smoke, leaving behind the smell of brimstone and an echoing laughter.
By the way, did you notice? Did you happen to notice during that 2004 campaign the way the right worded the issue? They would say, “We need a constitutional amendment,” or “We need to stop activist judges.” They worded it like that because – wait for it – Gay marriage is technically legal. In fact it’s a violation of the federal and most state constitutions to make it illegal. This is complicated, and a grey area, but the simple fact of the matter is this: Under the constitution, laws cannot abridge people’s rights to express themselves or form private legal contracts. Let me be clear how iron-clad these rights are: They had to amend the constitution – a pretty big fucking deal – in order to make yelling “Fire in a crowded theater” illegal. This is why Chief Justice John Roberts is keeping every gay-marriage case as far from the supreme court as possible. There’s a good chance the court would have to find anti-gay marriage laws illegal. Just in case you thought it was only two branches of the federal government that were shitty – no, it’s all three.
So, George W. Bush got reelected, and the moment people realized gay marriage wasn’t actually a thing, his approval numbers plummeted. Comedy indeed.
Getting back to the issue of constitutionality: The greatest joke of all is that this will likely make gay-marriage federally legal even faster. This could easily be the next Roe v. Wade. Every state law banning gay marriage, makes for another opportunity for law suits and appeals, which will eventually have to come before the supreme court, which will likely have to find anti-gay marriage laws unconstitutional.
OK, time is getting short, and I’ve spent far too much time on my impotent rage as it is. So, I will get to one final point before I get up from my desk and have my lunch (mayonnaise out of the bottle and a handful of Special K). The thing that really infuriates me – I mean really sets my teeth on edge is this: Bigots aren’t affected by gay marriage, but I am. I actually know gay people. I actually like gay people. I already have to go to these goddamn commitment ceremonies, and if Gay marriage is made legal, I’ll have to go to a bunch of those weddings. I’ll have to buy a gift and dress up and make idle chit-chat with some lady who is now “proud of her queer nephew!” I’m going to have to ruin my weekend to “Celebrate the Love of Leslie and Gene.” I’ll have to do that. Bigots don’t have to do that. They get to sit in their kitchens and fester on irrational resentments towards people they’ve never met. I’d like time to do that. So, I think I should have a greater say in whether or not gay marriage should be legal, because next week, I have to go to San Juan Capistrano to witness the some made-up vows set to the music of Philip Glass, ending with the releasing of the doves. And with all of that, I say make the shit legal. I can always check no on the RSVP card, because I’m an American goddamnit. And if nothing else, being an American means I have the right to be self-involved and indifferent to the activities of others.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
