The Art of Dramatic Living
Every piece of human art (from ancient cave paintings to that Philip Glass dance piece performed by elderly people, which was supposed to be therapeutic for the old folks, but probably wasn’t) tells us one thing about life: it is supposed to be dramatic. Human life is supposed to have tension, conflict, action, suspense, and a heart-warming character arc. If these things aren’t happening in your life pretty much all the time, well, you might as well be dead. Most of the world has it easy. The people of Sudan, for example, are constantly in danger of rape or murder – very dramatic. They are so lucky. White, Middle-class Americans don’t have it so easy. If you are one of these unfortunates, you may have to make your own drama.
Obviously, you want your life to be original (after all, you are like a snow flake – a precious, precious snow flake), but not so different that people say, “Hey, who’s the fucking weirdo who thinks he’s so fucking original? Let’s accuse him of homosexuality!” It’s confusing. When developing the dramatic elements of your life, don’t be afraid to go with basic conventions. After all, T.S. Eliot said, “Bad poets borrow, good poets steal.” Eliot stole this quip from his friend Ezra Pound, who had stolen from a Jewish guy, who he also assaulted.
Here are a few ways to make your life more dramatic:
• Of course the drama jackpot is being severely mentally and/or physically challenged (hello Academy Award ® winners!) . Man, those guys have it easy. Just getting out of bed is dramatic for them. They hold a janitorial job, and everyone gets all weepy. You’re probably not so lucky. You can always develop cancer or diabetes or something, but you really can’t count on that. The one thing which is a lock is acting as though you are ill. Hypochondria is good, but Munchhausen’s Syndrome is even better. Head to your local ER right now, and start inventing symptoms. Done and done.
• You know those people you find really attractive, but common sense tells you not to date them. Date them! Take that, emotionally distant Dad!
• Try to fix people. You may not be dramatic, but broken people are. By being part of their healing process, now you are dramatic. You don’t even need to go looking for these people – they will find you. You just need to be willing to put their needs above your own. If you’re really lucky, you’ll get a bi-polar. Dramatic? A good bi-polar will make your life positively suspenseful! You won’t know what’s coming next, until the surprise twist ending!
• Talk about shit all the time. It seems so obvious, but so often people miss this simple solution. 1. Find someone who is willing to listen. 2. Take some small incident from your day and talk about it. Be sure to explain every little minute detail till you and your new friend are almost apoplectic. Keep practicing. Soon enough, you’ll take a simple anecdote about the fridge in the break room at work, and you’ll turn it into “Sophie’s Choice” (if her choice had been about yogurt).
Try to have fun with this stuff, but really work at it. After all, the only alternative to a dramatic life is a comedic life. Trust us, you don’t want to be “The Funny One.”
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
