Powder Keg
The Team Leader, Robert Yasumura, is currently on retreat at the Team Yasumura Compound East, which is located in Cape Cod, MA. For those of you who don’t know, the very tip of Cape Cod is home to a burg called Provincetown; statistically, the gayest town in America (Gay as in homosexual, not gay as in Hummel Figures or Zima). Of its full time residents, Provincetown boasts a 95% plus rate of homosexuality. If you’re gay-friendly, it’s a fun place; if you are not, well, you spend the whole day giggling at “the pansies” and then they make you one of them – like in The Twilight Zone (in the ironic last moment of the episode, you are standing outside of a bar, in drag, yelling at tourists, “come see the amazing Liza Minelli tribute show!”)
The only truly disturbing thing about Provincetown is seeing the Gay/Lesbian Alliance up close. To be sure it is an uneasy alliance, akin to the U.S./Soviet Alliance in WWII. Lesbians and gay men were never meant to live together in the same town. Gay men believe clerical leadership should be traceable to the prophet Mohammed; lesbians believe in sandals and dream catchers (check Wikipedia). Much like the Serbs and Croats under Tito, or the Sunni and Shia under Sadam Hussein, gay men and lesbians live harmoniously under a common enemy (except, where Iraq or Yugoslavia lived under a single oppressor, homosexuals are attacked by, you know, everyone).
Of course the great danger here is this: as society becomes more tolerant of homosexuality, this alliance won’t simply dissolve – it likely will break-out into total civil war. The Great Homo-Wars will likely begin in 2060 or so. They will pit brother against sister; Bed-and-Breakfast owner against Bed-and-Breakfast owner, and Smith Alumni against everyone. Prophesy tells us the wars will be ended by The Scion, a hermaphrodite with a swimmer’s body.
In fact, societal acceptance of homosexuality presents many possible dangers. For instance: If people become comfortable with gay culture, then drag shows will lose their amusing naughtiness, and become pointless. It seems unimaginable, but yes, men wearing dresses and lip-syncing to bad music would cease to be intensely entertaining. In Provincetown, the economy would take a nose-dive. Then we’d have unemployed gay men, roaming the country, judging things. It would be a nightmare.
Same-sex marriage is only the most obvious problem of this distopian future. If gay people can marry, then marriage means nothing at all. While gay couples are visiting each other in the hospital, straight people will be getting divorced at a rate of 50%, and 3-10% of all children will become gay. At this very moment, in Iowa, where same-sex marriage recently became legal, men have begun cheating on their wives, saying, “Gays can get married – so we can now do whatever we want!” Start hoarding gas, because “The Road Warrior” is about to come true.
Perhaps these “dark times” are inevitable, but we must hold them off for as long as possible. We must continue to herd gay people into their ghettos (West Hollywood, Chelsea, The Castro) and their concentration camps (P-Town, Key West, Fire Island). They can remain there, performing their primitive rituals and raising property values. Meanwhile, we can plan our next move, and, hopefully our children will not know these horrors.
Also, we may want to stop pollution, overpopulation and disease.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
