Guest-imate How Long
Unfortunately, having house-guests is not like an Agatha Christie novel. If it were, you’d have a large estate with lots of servants. Your guests would have their own room and you would only see them at meals. Then you would be murdered by poison and your houseguest would avenge your death. The reality is not nearly so pleasant.
The biggest mistake people make with house-guests is inviting them in the first place; usually at the end of a conversation with an out-of-town acquaintance. There is an awkward pause, then you blurt out, “If you’re ever in town, please come visit us!” There are two simple ways of preventing this. First, when traveling, never speak with anyone who has the money to visit you. Talk only with local chamber maids and the like. Do not let yourself be invited to cocktail or dinner parties of any sort – these are just opportunities for medium-income-folk to discover who’s home might be a hostel when they go on their next “Journey of Discovery.” Second, and more importantly: Don’t have a home which can accommodate guests. Live in a studio apartment. Anything larger, and that weird guy from Denmark is sure to have a visit. If you must live in a larger domicile, make it inhospitable to travelers – strange odors, loud noises, rampant neighborhood crime, twice-weekly-dog-fighting, a screaming book-club…get creative with it. It may seem like a bad idea, but you’ll thank us when that creepy cousin is taking her dyslexic son to look at colleges with good theater programs.
It’s an awkward balance, because you want to have a home which is suitable for guests you are fucking, but not hospitable to everyone else. It’s like building a lobster pot. The simplest solution is to fuck desperate people, who will abide almost anything for some basic human contact. In fact, liaisons with such partners are simpler in many ways. For instance, you’ll never hear, “I’m leaving you because you suffer from cripplingly low self-esteem,” or “You should really stop doing heroine.” No, more likely you’ll hear, “Hey, you have eggs in this here ice-box! We’re living high tonight!” or, “You sure do treat me poorly, the way I subconsciously think I deserve to be treated, so you’re getting a forty minute blow-job tonight!”
No matter how diligent you may be, a few house-guests will visit over the course of your life. You could be homeless, and some uncle will call and ask if he can crash with you, “Look, I know you live in your car, but could I just sleep in the front seat for two nights; I’m going to a conference in your area and really want to save the per diem.” If, and when, guests arrive, do not feed them or entertain them in any way. This is like feeding raccoons, except you can’t shoot house guests when they become a nuisance (check your local and state laws; Florida and Texas just ask you to fill out some paperwork). Be sure to set clear boundaries with your guests; like, “Never go in my room, or I will rape you.” Remember to say other things to keep the visit short, such as, “So when are you leaving again?” or “I hate you so Mommy.” If you can, make sure that your guests wake to find you standing over them, just staring.
Finally, you know all those things you’ve worked so hard to have in your adult life? Like walls without crayons, or floors without feces? Kiss those goodbye if house guests with children get into your home. Even if you have to fake your own death, do not let this happen. Sometimes this catastrophe is unavoidable. Sometimes your old friend from college decides visiting you will be his family vacation from telemarketing, because he got four free passes to Universal Studios. If this happens, consider it “Game Over.” Be pleasant, if not drunk, for the length of their stay. Then, once they leave, set a match to the place and let it burn till there is nothing left. It is the only way to be sure it is all clean. Take the insurance money, and begin rebuilding your life anew.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
