Don’t Wear It Out
Rarely does our legal name represent our true identity. For instance, “Chastity Bono” is the single greatest stripper-name, ever. In reality, the woman to whom that name refers should have been named “Ted.” Usually, the names our parents give us represent our heritage (“Our family name is Miller – which we changed at Ellis island, because we used to be the Hitler family”), maybe a relative (“We named you after my father, who was a hateful drunk, but I felt bad when I pulled the plug – so that’s how you got your name!”), or possibly some aspiration a parent has for their child (We named him Rex, which means ‘king;’ yeah, he’s a king alright…king of not finishing community college!).
Nick-names, on the other hand, are given later in life, and usually reflect some actual personality traits. Nick-names are sometimes preferable if your name is generic (like a woman born between1968 and 1978 named Jennifer), anachronistic (Ebineezer Schwartz, Beatrice Jefferson Africa, Ponce De Leon Chu), or just unfortunate (“If it’s a boy, we’re thinking Gaylord, Lindley, or Frodo – if it’s a girl, we’re thinking Gayheart, Persephone, or The Little Cunt – which is a family name).
In general, you cannot give yourself your own nick name. Sorry. If people could do that, we’d have a world filled with guys named “Maverick” and girls named “Booty-licious.” One person who gave herself her own nick-name was Madonna, who is really just Samantha Fox with better management. To be fair, the nick-name other people gave her was “Bitchy von sucks-a lot,” which would not have looked good on an album cover. It’s a rule of thumb, but if you really want people to start calling you “Der Hammer Schlong” go ahead and try.
If, and when, people give you a nick-name, you have a choice as to whether or not to adopt the name. This is a tricky area. Watch out for nick-names that seem cool but might be ironic. For instance, “Mandingo” is a really cool nick-name, unless you are white and have a small penis. At Yale, classmates called George W. Bush “Mr. President” as a cruel joke, as in “That guy is too stupid, lazy and drunk to be president of a masturbation club.” He sure showed them. He showed us all.
If you attended a fraternity or sorority in college, that is the nick-name you want to take into adulthood and for all time. Yes, the vast, silent majority loves the children of the Greek System. Furthermore, everyone will take you seriously, once they hear your handle is some thinly veiled allusion to homosexuality, promiscuity or alcoholism.
One last note of warning: If your circle of friends consists largely of people with cowboy/pirate-type nick-names (Beard-Guy, Stinky Pete, Handsome Dan, Angry Jack, Ted The Confessor, Pope Benedict the Seventieth, Rick Astly) there’s a good chance you have a Meth problem.
Members of Team Yasumura can take a complicated series of public and private nick-names, like in a Russian play, or Frank Herbert’s Dune. Here are a few of the monikers currently available to members:
Blackey, Whitey, Jewy, The Beige Lady, Guy with Extra Chromosome, The Mexican, The Chinaman, The Sherpa, Dora the Exploder, Nine-Finger Larry, Homo-Mike, Lesberta, Arthritis Tim, The Pretty Girl, Overweight Friend, The Fist, The Diabetic, Guy with Allergies, Mr. Grabby, Vegan Leslie, Awkward Racist, Chairwoman of my Pants, The Enabler, Shoeless Moisha, Pedo-Phil, Captain Bi-Polar, Chronic Masturbator, Dr. Pokey, and Oprah.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
