Ruining it for Everyone
It may surprise some people to know: most people in Los Angeles are perfectly pleasant, reasonable, and polite. It is only a small percentage (maybe 3-10%) that are self-involved assholes (often called “Frankies,” after Frankie Muniz, Executive Producer of “Self-involved Asshole: The Frankie Muniz Story,” on Lifetime, Fall 2018). Although Frankies are a tiny minority, their affect is substantial. An entire day in L.A. can be ruined by just one encounter with “guy-who-parks-his-Hummer-across-two-parking-slots-and-no-one-says-anything-but-if-I-did-that-with-my-Honda-I’d-be-in-trouble.”
Yes, living in The City of Angels is like the Middle-East. Only, instead of a tiny minority of ultra-orthodox radicals running the region through terror and false clerical authority, L.A. has people who think they’re special because they got a “Producer” credit before they were 25, and therefore have the right to be unpleasant to their waiter. It’s almost exactly the same thing.
The point: At any given moment, a handful of people are ruining the experience of being on this planet. We should kill these people (consult local ordinances and an attorney before killing anyone – and remember to be vague about what you’d like to do - “…I have this friend who’d like to kill his neighbor who doesn’t recycle…”) Here are just a few of the people currently ruining it for everyone:
• Guy Who Didn’t Know Objects May Be Closer Than They Appear. There are people too stupid to live, but they know how to call a lawyer. They didn’t know, for instance, that hot coffee is actually hot. They sued and they won. Insurance premiums rise, consumer prices rise. Republicans start screaming about tort reform. And we’re busy child-proofing America.
• Girls Who Like Anal. It used to be the only thing required for exciting sex was for one person to be Catholic. Then we stopped shaming children about their bodies, and everything went to hell. A few damaged (but really fun) women said, “Sure, I’ll do that! And I’ll love it! Let’s make a movie out of it!” Now, every other is expected to do “The Fancy Stuff,” at least once in a while (like on special occasions, like Guy Faulkes Day).
• Work-Ethic Assholes. The forty hour work week exists for a reason. This is about the amount of time in which a person can be productive while maintaining a healthy, balanced life. However, there’s always one person who doesn’t care if his children hate him, and he wants to work all the fucking time. Now you’re expected to skip a relaxing evening in the dungeon, so this Power Point presentation will “really pop” tomorrow. All because one guy is afraid of losing the approval of a dead parent.
• Andy Kaufman. Back in the seventies, you’d go to a show, see a comedian or musician, and say, “That’s a shitty comedian or musician.” Then you’d go home and wife-swap. Andy Kaufman, and a few other conceptualists, changed all that. Now you say, ”I’m pretty sure that’s a shitty comedian or musician, but maybe they’re doing something brilliant which I just don’t understand. I don’t want to look foolish, so I’ll say nothing.” Then you go home and masturbate while wearing a condom (also AIDS ‘Patient Zero’ ruined everything).
• Every fifteenth customer at Starbucks. You ask for a cup of coffee. A clerk gives you a cup of coffee. You pay for the cup of coffee. Simple. However, ten minutes ago some petuli-soaked bitch walked into this Starbucks, talking on her cell phone, not knowing what to order, then wanted to pay with pennies. So now, the clerks are pissed at the whole human race, of which you are a member. So you get a latte filled with their anger and you’re pissed. You go out into the world and spread your fury. Welcome to L.A. mother fucker!
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
