PET SOUNDS
On the list of features which make humans unique (1. Mating for life. 2. Divorcing for life. 3. Recreational fucking. 4. Depression eating. Etc…) is that we are the first and only creatures to domesticate other animals. We’ve also domesticated ourselves, in the form of slavery– which is terrible, but also a pretty impressive level of innovation. “Say, we need these trees pulled, but we have no oxen…but we have Fred, the black guy.” There’re also leather slaves, who don’t really contribute to the labor force, but seriously, where would we be without them? Anyway, the point is: We domesticated animals for food and labor. Strangest of all, we domesticated some animals purely for the pleasure of their company. I.E. Pets.
There are two types of pets. First, there are animals with whom we cohabitate. We feed them and love them, and they love us in return…or, at the very least, they agree to live with us till something better comes along (50% of most cats). The second category are those which must live in an enclosure, such as a tank or a cage. Fish, turtles, birds, etc… These animals do not return love in any way, but provide us with the pleasure that comes from keeping prisoners. “You will call me Mr. Brubaker in the future, got that Fishy? And if you don’t like it, maybe you’d enjoy thirty days in the cooler (literally, an Igloo Cooler – trust us, you’re fish will learn respect)?”
By the way, Prisoner-Pet owners tend to be one of two people: A. The horribly, but not clinically, stupid (“This bird is so beautiful it just needed to be in my kitchen, and its high-pitched screaming is so soothing”); or B. The insecure douche bag (“I listen to Bauhaus, and keep a tarantula – doesn’t that make me interesting?”). The latter are the sort of people who become Bond-Villains, and keep giant sharks, calling them “mere pets” in some vaguely European accent. Then, later, they say, “You know what these sharks would really enjoy as a special treat? A fully clothed Caucasian human! And hey, I’ve been meaning to fire that one lady in accounting – talk about synergy!” For the record, sharks don’t enjoy this any more than dogs like to lick peanut butter off your balls (they’ll do it, but they don’t enjoy it as much as you do).
Still, it’s generally believed that keeping pets is a good thing. Pet owners tend to have less stress-related illnesses (though more feces-related illnesses). So, by all means, get yourself an animal, but remember to follow these simple guidelines:
• Be sure to name your pet for some literary or mythological reference, such as Cerberus or Mr. Chips. This way, people are sure to know you read books and are a worth-while person.
• Dogs are exactly like babies. If you can take care of a dog, surely you will make a good parent. Furthermore, act as though your pets are children. Dress them in cute outfits and take pictures. Show those pictures to other people while relating, in detail, anecdotes from your pet’s life. It’ll be great.
• Remember: God gave us dominion over animals, largely to be an extension of our lifestyles. A pet, like a haircut or automobile, should tell us about you. If you are a woman who, say, likes “Juicy Couture” and saying things out loud, you definitely want a tiny, pure-bred dog, like a Chihuahua or a Maltese. Bring it with you everywhere, like restaurants and hospitals, in your oversized Louis Vuitton purse. This lets everyone know, that like your dog, you have a high voice and a tight vagina. On the other hand, if you are, say, a bad-ass gang member – nothing says “arrest me” like walking a fighting dog. A Rottweiler is great, but a Pitbull is even better. A Pitbull tells everyone, “Hey, I don’t care about your life or mine, but I’m a member of the social dialectic anyway!”
• Pets are an excellent substitute for actual human interaction. You never need to make friends again. So build a cat-fort in your living room and start the rest of your life.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
