Fry It Up In A Pan
Eating is the only bodily function we share with pretty much any friend or associate (unless you’re one of those people who goes in for social shitting). It’s quite likely eating socially has its roots in our primitive origins. For a defenseless animal (which is what we were until we invented shit like guns and sarcasm) eating is a particularly vulnerable activity, and eating with others would provide a certain amount of protection (though not from your father looking up from his dinner and calling you “a total disappointment”). To this day, you will often find that your alertness is somewhat compromised during an engaging meal. Be careful of this, because this is when bears will try to steal your pic-i-nic basket – and likely maul you to death in an orgy of blood and screaming (see “Grizzly Man”).
We here at Team Yasumura always recommend eating with others – even if it’s just your lunch break at work. This may seem like a great time to dine alone and be alone with your thoughts, but trust us, if bullies see you eating alone, then later, they’ll pull your pants down in front of the girl you like – or the cheer leaders will start a rumor about how you put your wiener in your dog or something like that… Oh, you think you’re immune from this kind of treatment, just because you’re forty? Well fuck you man, it still happens…
Dining with strangers or acquaintances is one of life’s great delights. As stated above it provides protection from various contemporary threats while eating (like a mime or Scientologist or masturbating guy), while being a chance to get to know one another better (and sometimes determine whether or not you would like to insert things in one another at a later time). However, eating with new people presents a conundrum. For the same reason it is a natural activity, also makes it repugnant, in that you are showing another person yourself at a vulnerable moment. You are letting another person see how you feed. You might just as well say, “Hey, you seem like a nice person, how would you like to come over and watch me masturbate (and weep)?” So you might want to take check your behavior when eating with others:
• Don’t eat naked. Yes, of course you do it at home. We all do. Maybe after you know someone pretty well you can take off your pants…look, there are no hard and fast rules on this – just feel it out.
• Eat in an eating place. A restaurant, a cafeteria, a picnic table, the belly of a nude Asian lady – something like that. Sure, you want to go in a corner of the basement with your hard won food and gorge yourself, growling viciously at anyone who comes near…like Gollum, or Justice Kennedy. Still, don’t do that. If you’re in doubt, ask someone, “Is this someplace where humans gather and consume nutrition?”
• Don’t shit where you eat (yes, there’s a reason why that phrase exists, and it’s much more literal than you’d think).
• Don’t talk with your mouth full…OR, speak only when your mouth is full. You can’t have it both ways, man.
• Don’t make any weird eating noises. We get it, OK? You’re a fucking hippy, and you live on a commune where you don’t shower and normally eat from a communal bowl filled with legumes (or whatever the fuck your people eat). But someone has taken the time to buy you food (so you can sign the papers declaring your mother officially dead), so why don’t you tie back your hair and stop with the grunting?
• If you were raised by Irish people, or Russians, or people from Chicago, you might think all meals should be drunken events which end in a fist fight then tearful hugging. Just so you know, that’s probably not a good idea – unless your dining partner is disgusting person just like you, in which case, you’re probably a junky or living in Chicago, and then, social eating is the least of your problems.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
