An Informed Electorate
The midterm elections are coming! If you’re anything like us here at the Team Yasumura Compound, your own compound is all aflutter with preparations. We’ve even put clothes on all of the children! Always remember, for a good election day: Bunting, Potato Salad and Ammunition (BPA for short – that’s how we remember it!). The ammunition, by the way is for the celebratory gunfiring after your candidate wins, or the race riots should they be defeated. Anyhoo…members of Team Yasumura may be looking to their leader for guidance in voting (provided they can vote – we’re big in the prisons). Unfortunately we cannot advice you directly on whom or what you should vote, because we would lose our religious non-profit status (yeah, we’re technically a religion – we can marry people and get you out of the army and immortals won’t fight on our land…shit like that). We can however give you some helpful hints as to what qualities a candidate should possess:
• Smug, elitist assholes will tell you, “America is a Republic – meaning we don’t directly make the decisions; we elect the people who make the decisions – so you want to elect the smartest person you can.” This is just another way to keep those ivy-league fat-cats in power, and make you feel stupid for not actually understanding things. You want to elect someone as stupid as you – if not stupider. Someone who will never make you feel like the product of a terrible education (which strangely never seems to get better in your district…). Used to be, the litmus test for a candidate was would you have a beer with this guy? Go further…Would you do shots with this guy? Would you sexually harass the waitress with this guy? Would you get into a fight then escape by drunk driving with this guy? Would you score crystal meth with this guy, then find yourself later that night fisting a cow for no apparent reason? Then that’s your guy! (If it’s a woman, just go for pro-business and a nice rack).
• Incumbents are just “Washington as usual.” Don’t you want to “Send a message to those guys in Washington?” Don’t you want to “Clean up all the mess in Washington?” Then it’s time to elect a total outsider! You know someone who can really get things done – by not having the slightest idea how things are actually done. Sure, if elected, your candidate will likely spend most of their first term spinning their wheels and learning what the hell they are doing, but then they’ll really get some stuff done (your results may vary). The more outsider-y the better (short of a foreigner…a dirty stinking foreigner).
• Whoever the other guys in the gun club like.
• When your candidate speaks, they should make you feel, but not actually think. It should just feel like good old fashioned common sense – it should make you feel all warm and angry. That’s your guy.
• As always, the best candidates are business people (it doesn’t matter how shitty they may have been at business), because if there’s one sector of America that has never tried to screw us, it’s the business community. Screwed overseas workers? Sure. Screwed the environment? You bet. But screw the American Consumer? Never! Don’t believe me, just take a look at your HP printer – now that’s a quality product for a quality price! You’re welcome! You know that candidate that can pay for their own campaign with their own money? They must be really good at business (or negotiating a ridiculous compensation package from Hewlett Packard). Vote for them, they’re rich!
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
