What If You Shut The Fuck Up?
What If You Shut The Fuck Up?
Whether in a conversation with the family, a close friend, or someone you just met, it is important to keep talking. If you stop talking, people immediately make assumptions about you, like maybe you are a Boo-Radley-Style moron (old usage; as derived from the actress Erin Moran). If you are quiet, they might think you are judging them, like some big-city elitist snob who is too good for chrystal-meth and race-baiting. They might even think that you are not interesting, if you have nothing to contribute to the round-table discussion on why-that-guy-is-an-asshole-and-there-is-a-government-conspiracy-to-keep-us-down-and-the-world-is-going-to-hell-in-a-hand-basket. If they think you are uninteresting, then maybe you are, and no one will ever love you again and you will die alone (which frankly, is what you deserve if you can’t at least tell us all about some article in Reader’s Digest, or your opinions on this season’s American Idol).
Some of you might be saying, “But what if I have nothing to say?” Hey you solipsistic fuck, there’s always something to say. Look at eight-year-old children. They won’t shut-up, and they are drawing on eight years of life experience. They won’t stop yammering-on about how this one kid in their class pooped his pants and now everyone’s afraid to eat with him, and there’s this one video game on the computer where you meet adult men and give them your home address. They’ve got conversation down. You’re a forty year old woman. You can come-up with some shit to talk about. Oprah alone gives you five conversation topics a week (unless she’s off that week, so plan your social calendar accordingly).
You might want to get in some practice, by going to an old-folks home or hospice, where it won’t matter. Eventually, you’ll get it, and everyone will love you, and nothing will ever be bad again, until you end-up in an old-folks home, or an hospice. Here are a few tips to get you started:
• Form strong opinions about things. It doesn’t matter what they are. For instance, if you live in Nebraska, and you’ve never seen a Mexican in your life, you can still talk at length about immigration policy. Also, don’t buy into the whole “conversant” bullshit either. Twenty minutes of Fox News and you’ll have all the information you need to charm just about anyone.
• Take an improv class.
• Look for any opening into a conversation. Forget the actual substance. Just listen for any nouns or verbs that you might relate to. For instance, someone might be talking about their experiences in Auschwitz, and you could talk about how you just saw “Swing Kids” on AMC.
• Cocaine. You will talk plenty.. Everything you say will be interesting and charming. Everyone loves a person on cocaine.
• Avoid awkward silences at all costs. If a silence occurs, fill it immediately no matter what. It’s not even important what you say. Just throw out some declarative sentence, like “I like fudge!” or “I miscarried yesterday” or “The woman who raised me turned out to be my grandmother, and my sister is actually my mother!” Silence in a conversation might result in someone remembering how unfulfilling their lives are.
• Be sure you are being heard. Make lots of eye-contact – almost like you’re trying to see into the other person’s soul. If you look hard enough, you’ll see the love and approval they are withholding. You can also keep saying things like, “Do you know what I mean?” or “Am I right?” or “You’re fucking listening to me, right? Right?” You can never say these things too much.
• Finally, if you are in any doubt about a topic, you can always talk about the film/television industry. Everyone is interested in that.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
