End of and Era
At some point, one of your friends is going to marry someone you don’t like (unless you’re home schooled, in which case, MeeMaw and Pappy will always your best friends). Yes, it could be that your old drinking friend Topher marries this totally controlling shrew named Shiela, and now instead being the most fun guy you know, he’s all “Jesus this” and “Roth IRA that.” Or, it could be the girl on whom you’ve had a secret crush since high school suddenly marries this totally handsome black guy, and all of a sudden she’s like, “I don’t think I’m coming to Comic-Con this year, cuz Jamar isn’t really into it.” Or, it your best friend might marry an unemployed alcoholic who’s been working on his writing career for eight years now (don’t judge). The point is, it’s going to happen. You’ll be angry at this new person. You’ll feel jealous that someone is stealing your friend. So what do you do?
• Let your feelings be known. Your friend will really appreciate your honesty and reappraise his/her relationship with fresh eyes. This is a moment that is guaranteed to bring you and your friend closer, beginning a fresh and prosperous new chapter in your lives together.
• Try to see things from your friend’s point of view – by seducing and having sex with their new significant other. This is a great plan. There are only three great ways this can work out: 1. Afterward you say, “Man, I didn’t like you before, but now that I see what a great lay you are, I get it!” 2. You can later say to your friend, “I totally nailed your lady/man – is that the kind of person you want to be with?” And your friend gets it – and they’re like, “What was I doing with him/her, when I could have been hanging out with you all this time?” 3. Your friend surprises you while you’re having sex with their spouse, but instead of getting mad, they get in bed too – and you guys end up in a totally fulfilling three-way relationship.
• Don’t do anything…But keep thinking about it. Really think about it over and over. Then, just wait.
• Go out and have sex with someone who looks just like your friend. That’ll show ‘em. Also, this might be a good chance for you to find out you are gay.
Now, the touchy-feelie-woman-types might tell you: “Maybe you should let go, and realize that people change – that relationships change – and through letting things change we find spiritual and emotional growth.”
This is complete and total bull shit. If you don’t work hard to keep things exactly the same as they are, chaos and aging will ensue, and all of a sudden you’ll have children and cancer.
One final note: Your friend’s marriage likely won’t last. It’s probably a first marriage in which they’re working out the last of their adolescent issues. So, at the wedding, instead of making a speech, just stand in front of the guests and say, “The clock starts now!” and click a stop-watch. Everyone will have a great laugh.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.
