September 2011
1 post
8 tags
Perchance to Dream
Perchance to Dream
After a long hiatus, the Team Yasumura blog has returned. This week it is transmitted from The Team Yasumura Compound East, in an undisclosed location in the wilds of New England (just past the Dunkin’ Donuts; if you hit the Cumby’s, you’ve gone too far). Of course, New England was the recent victim of Hurricane Irene’s mighty wrath (Hurricane Irene by the way was also the...
Fry It Up In A Pan
Eating is the only bodily function we share with pretty much any friend or associate (unless you’re one of those people who goes in for social shitting). It’s quite likely eating socially has its roots in our primitive origins. For a defenseless animal (which is what we were until we invented shit like guns and sarcasm) eating is a particularly vulnerable activity, and eating with others would...
6 tags
An Informed Electorate
The midterm elections are coming! If you’re anything like us here at the Team Yasumura Compound, your own compound is all aflutter with preparations. We’ve even put clothes on all of the children! Always remember, for a good election day: Bunting, Potato Salad and Ammunition (BPA for short – that’s how we remember it!). The ammunition, by the way is for the celebratory gunfiring after your...
End of and Era
At some point, one of your friends is going to marry someone you don’t like (unless you’re home schooled, in which case, MeeMaw and Pappy will always your best friends). Yes, it could be that your old drinking friend Topher marries this totally controlling shrew named Shiela, and now instead being the most fun guy you know, he’s all “Jesus this” and “Roth IRA that.” Or, it could be the girl on...
August 2010
2 posts
9 tags
...Next To Godliness
Keeping a clean home is important, though very few of us have this matter in perspective. Surely, there are some of us who live in squalor (mostly emotionally stunted straight men, or weird girls trying to make a point about how much they hate their mothers). So too, there are those of us who over- emphasize a clean and orderly living space (usually out of work gay men). Neither of these...
9 tags
The Traveler
Traveling is extremely stressful; it can be bodily, psychologically and spiritually devastating. Remember, as recently as one hundred years ago, it was not uncommon for people to die as a direct result of travel (also, one hundred years ago it was common to correct all manner of illness with elixer of cocaine…so it all worked-out). Though long distance travel has become faster and more...
February 2010
7 posts
4 tags
Notes to Ryan Stout 6
Dear Mr. Stout –
I don’t know how else to say this, so here it is: My sister wants to fight you. I took her to one of your shows, as part of her therapy, and since then, she hasn’t talked about anything else except fighting you. Listen, I know it’s a big thing, but you’d be doing me a solid if you’d agree to fight her. It might help her to be more like she was before the accident. You don’t...
12 tags
Elevator Conversation
Relating to strangers should be simpler than we make it. You should be able to go up to a stranger and say, “I sure do like to eat and fuck!” And they would reply, “Me too! What do you like to eat, and who do you like to fuck?” Conversation would ensue. It’s like Auntie Yasumura used to always say, “A stranger is just a friend with whom you haven’t yet discussed eating and fucking” (Auntie...
16 tags
Causes and Conditions
The love between a parent and child should be unconditional. For instance, it’s probably a bad idea to withhold love from a child because they got a B+ instead of an A. That’s what first generation Asian parents do, and that’s why there are so many Asian girls in porn. As a general rule, though children need clear boundaries, they should feel that they are safe and loved at all times. This is...
Pick a Card
Most of life is guess-work. Your elders never told you this. They made it seem like they had the answers to everything. For instance, the answer to uncomfortable feelings is alcohol, or food. Another for instance: when you misbehave, the answer is for Daddy to leave. Had your parents, teachers or other elders (including the people on TV), told you that most of life’s decisions are educated...
6 tags
Massacre of Love
Valentine’s Day approaches (or, as it is known to those in a relationship: Mandatory Dinner/Mandatory Blowjob Day). As many of you know, Team Yasumura Compound celebrates by urinating on each other (see Robert Yasumura’s book Robotronics, chapter on “Hygiene During Safe-Play”). Cynics often say, “Valentine’s is a bullshit holiday, made up by Hallmark” (Hallmark, by the way, is a division of...
The Slippery Slope
Catholics believe not only are actions matters of judgment, even thoughts can be sinful. The “Seven Deadly Sins” are really a set of thoughts and/or feelings: lust, greed, anger, etc… This is why very few people really want to be Catholic (“So, you’re telling me, every time I have a basic human emotion, I should feel shame? Wouldn’t I be in almost a continuous state of shame and fear? That’s...
Defending the Title
You might be missing out on an incredible opportunity! Did you know you might be entitled to everything this world has to offer! More importantly, you might be entitled to act like you are entitled to everything! Now, you might be asking yourself, “How can I find out if I am entitled?” Well, if you match any or all of the descriptions below, then you are a winner, and can pick up your prizes...
December 2009
2 posts
Notes to Ryan Stout 5
Dear Mr. Stout:
We respectfully request that you not return to our establishment in the future. Your behavior last Wednesday was troubling, even by our standards. We use “Safe Words” for a reason. If you get some help and are accompanied by another, stronger adult, we can revisit the issue of your banishment.
Sincerely,
Robert Yasumura, Owner and Manager, “The Rough Boys Club” / West...
Notes to Ryan Stout 4
Dear Mr. Stout,
We here at the Neighborhood Association are a little concerned about the Holiday Display on your front lawn. First of all, we would like to know why you elected to make Santa Claus a black man? We don’t object, but since you are not African American yourself, we found it curious. Furthermore, the use of strobe lights and loud house music is not only disturbing to your...
November 2009
2 posts
The Empty Nest
So, the kids have gone off to college, or rehab, or their new life with that woman (but you’re not going to say anything about that cunt’s control issues and how no good will come of this – no, no – God Bless). Whatever the case, the kids are gone. Chances are, they did it to spite you, and you should take it personally. Really think about it a lot. Was there something you could’ve done...
A Rare Letter from The Team Leader
Dear Team Members:
I am furious. I am furious and you should be too. Yesterday, the State of Maine passed an anti-gay marriage proposition; the most recent of many such initiatives to pass a state legislature. There is not the time; my fingers do not have the energy enough to write it all out; my voice does not have the breath to say it all; to scream to America that we have done something...
October 2009
2 posts
Yes, I will fund your movie
Dear Sir,
I am happy to provide completion funds for “The Danish Girl,” provided the following: 1. The “Danish” must refer to the pastry and not the nationality. 2. Gwyneth Paltrow must come to my apartment (on a night when my roommate has a class), where we will play several games of “Upwords.” 3. I can bring my cat, also named Gwyneth, to the premiere,...
Notes to Ryan Stout 3
Mr. Stout – I understand you do not approve of the prevalence of vampire films on television. Well let me tell you something, funny man: Vampire culture saved my daughter’s life. She’s a little peculiar looking and has trouble understanding social cues. But when she saw ‘Underworld’ she new she wanted to fight the lycans and act sexy. Although we had to give our dog Baxter to a shelter, she...
September 2009
8 posts
Notes From Ryan Stout 1
My mom wanted me to write and thank you for attending my slumber party last night. Sorry we didn’t get to watch that Hope Floats DVD that you brought along. And I know you weren’t a big fan of the cornrows that Jamie put your hair into, but I’m hoping, now that you’ve had time to think about it, you know how amazing your hair looks— You should totally keep it like...
Notes to Ryan Stout 2
Dear Mr. Stout –
I am the Mayor of a new community on the outskirts of Detroit, which we are currently calling “New Hobo Town.” And I was elected Mayor, no matter what Angry Sally might tell you. We’d like to offer you a booking at our performance venue (it’s not so much a theater as a clearing where we fight animals and have impromptu sex shows). We can meet your quote, as long as you don’t...
Aisles of the Damned
Reprinted from 21 February 2009
Marriage is a Christian concept designed to make women into property!” “Hey, Angry-Vegan-Lesbian, good for you for saying words out loud! Two things though: One, that’s not really true; and two, we probably should’ve stopped being friends when I quit doing drugs.” Despite what your “I-took-an-anthropology-class” friends might tell you, marriage has existed in...
Notes to Ryan Stout 1
Ryan Stout is a very funny stand-up comedian. He tours the U.S.. Robert Yasumura sometimes writes him notes or e-mails. Occasionally, they will be reprinted here for your edification.
Written 12 September 2009:
“Mr. Stout - I hope you remember me from tonight’s comedy show. I was the guy pointing at his wife, saying, “You should use her!” You really shouldn’t...
The Art of Dramatic Living
Every piece of human art (from ancient cave paintings to that Philip Glass dance piece performed by elderly people, which was supposed to be therapeutic for the old folks, but probably wasn’t) tells us one thing about life: it is supposed to be dramatic. Human life is supposed to have tension, conflict, action, suspense, and a heart-warming character arc. If these things aren’t happening in...
Powder Keg
The Team Leader, Robert Yasumura, is currently on retreat at the Team Yasumura Compound East, which is located in Cape Cod, MA. For those of you who don’t know, the very tip of Cape Cod is home to a burg called Provincetown; statistically, the gayest town in America (Gay as in homosexual, not gay as in Hummel Figures or Zima). Of its full time residents, Provincetown boasts a 95% plus rate of...
Color Me Mine
You are certain that you are a creative person. You know this because your mother once told you “You’re such a creative little person!” Then she danced off, took her “medicine” and began singing show tunes. Yes, you are a creative person. Otherwise, there would be no reason why you went to college, but have no marketable skills. There would be no reason why you didn’t go to law school back...
Guest-imate How Long
Unfortunately, having house-guests is not like an Agatha Christie novel. If it were, you’d have a large estate with lots of servants. Your guests would have their own room and you would only see them at meals. Then you would be murdered by poison and your houseguest would avenge your death. The reality is not nearly so pleasant.
The biggest mistake people make with house-guests is inviting...
August 2009
3 posts
Don't Wear It Out
Rarely does our legal name represent our true identity. For instance, “Chastity Bono” is the single greatest stripper-name, ever. In reality, the woman to whom that name refers should have been named “Ted.” Usually, the names our parents give us represent our heritage (“Our family name is Miller – which we changed at Ellis island, because we used to be the Hitler family”), maybe a relative (“We...
Ruining it for Everyone
It may surprise some people to know: most people in Los Angeles are perfectly pleasant, reasonable, and polite. It is only a small percentage (maybe 3-10%) that are self-involved assholes (often called “Frankies,” after Frankie Muniz, Executive Producer of “Self-involved Asshole: The Frankie Muniz Story,” on Lifetime, Fall 2018). Although Frankies are a tiny minority, their affect is...
PET SOUNDS
On the list of features which make humans unique (1. Mating for life. 2. Divorcing for life. 3. Recreational fucking. 4. Depression eating. Etc…) is that we are the first and only creatures to domesticate other animals. We’ve also domesticated ourselves, in the form of slavery– which is terrible, but also a pretty impressive level of innovation. “Say, we need these trees pulled, but we...
June 2009
3 posts
Interview With A Vampire
Let’s say you see someone you haven’t seen in a while. When they ask you “How are you?” or “What’s happening?” what they really mean is “Tell me about your recent professional accomplishments, so I know you are a good person.” In fact, it’s not a bad idea to assume people want to know even if they don’t ask. You should have, at all times, a two-minute presentation of where you are now, and...
Michael Jackson Loses His Brave Battle with...
Today in Los Angeles (home of the Team Yasumura Compound West), a 28-year-old white woman was rushed to the hospital in cardiac arrest. It turns-out it was Michael Jackson, a 50-year-old black man. In case you didn’t know, and this Blog is your only source of information, Jackson died (if this blog is your only source of information, well, you might be the greatest shut-in ever). Evidently the...
FLASH FORWARD TO -
After the age of twenty-one, things generally get worse, not better. Sure, there are exceptions to this rule: “Hey, my pension is maturing nicely…or it was.” “I just had a beautiful new child…so, there’s that…oh yeah, that’s fulfilling, but not pleasant…” The point here is, after adolescence we are done growing, and the slow process of decay begins. Certainly, there are instances of human...
May 2009
1 post
What If You Shut The Fuck Up?
What If You Shut The Fuck Up?
Whether in a conversation with the family, a close friend, or someone you just met, it is important to keep talking. If you stop talking, people immediately make assumptions about you, like maybe you are a Boo-Radley-Style moron (old usage; as derived from the actress Erin Moran). If you are quiet, they might think you are judging them, like some big-city elitist...