Team Yasumura

The best advice no money can buy (Someone needs to give me a writing job).

Sep 9

Perchance to Dream

Perchance to Dream

After a long hiatus, the Team Yasumura blog has returned.  This week it is transmitted from The Team Yasumura Compound East, in an undisclosed location in the wilds of New England (just past the Dunkin’ Donuts; if you hit the Cumby’s, you’ve gone too far).  Of course, New England was the recent victim of Hurricane Irene’s mighty wrath (Hurricane Irene by the way was also the name of a feather-weight champion in the short-lived Women’s Octogenarian Bare Knuckle Boxing League).  Team members need not worry.  Although people in Vermont have lost everything (mostly hippie stuff), the Team Compound remains intact.  Robert, his various girlfriends, children and security personnel remain unharmed. 

Having once again been shown favor by the mighty Zeus, Robert has begun screaming his blogs to his dutiful manservant Andreas, who transcribes them and adds them to the Team’s body of wisdom. 


No doubt about it.  This sure is a crazy mixed up world, where a gorilla can jump out of anywhere; you could find yourself on a cross country race for buried treasure; bikini clad girls might dance around while your band plays at an impromptu beach luau.  Also, there’s genocide.  Anyhoo, it’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy of day-to-day living and lose sight of the basics

At our core, we are still animals, and as such, the most essential things we must do every day are eat, sleep, and excrete.  Sure, you can skip one of these things sometimes, but why would you?  Do you have something to prove?  Are you a Navy Seal all of a sudden?  Are you some kind of anti-pooping fetishist?  Honestly!  The general suggestion is, barring extreme conditions, to take care of these basics every day. 

Of course, for the sake of convenience and efficiency, you can combine these activities.  You could, for instance, shit while sleeping.  The Japanese have been doing this for years, and it accounts for their economic success through the 1980’s.  Unfortunately, in the ‘90’s Japanese workers suddenly thought they were too good to shit in their beds, and their economy went to hell.  You could also eat meals on the toilet.  Eating on the toilet takes some getting used-to, and it generally ruins the pleasure of both activities, but it definitely can be done. Some people can even eat while sleeping (lucky bastards on feeding tubes, or who sleep walk, or who have intense eating disorders and sleep on pillows made from cold cuts).  However, for most of us, there really is no practical method for achieving this feat without potential bodily harm (like Mother Yasumura used to always say, “People who sleep on ham, die on ham.”)

Of these activities, sleep takes up the most time.  You have spent, and will spend, roughly a third of your life sleeping.  It is vital to good physical and mental health that you get the appropriate amount of sleep, and an appropriate quality of sleep.  An example of high quality sleep is you just lying there, breathing.  An example of poor quality sleep is you tossing and turning while gripping a handgun and muttering, “The damn gooks are inside the wire sarge!”

There are lots of books and pamphlets on the subject of sleep and health (the best one is Anne Coulter’s “Eat, Sleep, Hate”).  You should read every single one of these books.  Take a leave of absence from work if you must.  In the mean time, here are some tips about sleep from Robert Yasumura:

• You can never sleep too much.  Don’t let any “expert” tell you differently.  You can sleep twenty-two hours a day without a problem.  This in no way indicates anemia, Epstein-Barr, sleeping sickness, or clinical depression.  If a “doctor” tells you otherwise, you tell them “Go back to your magical potions and your Obama-Care you devil-wizard!!”  If that doctor really cared about your sleep, he’d spoon with you for an hour while you caught a nap.  Remember, in many societies, excessive sleeping is considered a sign of virility (citation needed).

  You’ve heard the phrase “sleep like a baby.”  Yeah, babies are like theat.  They just lie there, all peaceful, as if to say, “Check me out.  This is what sleep looks like when you’re not anxious all the time about your bad life choices!”  You should be so lucky as to sleep like a baby.  Give it a try.  Build an adult sized crib; sleep in a diaper; every four hours, wake up and suck a tit.  If you want more information on this topic, Google “Adult Baby Play.”  Not only might you learn to sleep better, you might discover a whole new lifestyle. 

  Drugs:  Many people will tell you natural sleep is best.  These are the same assholes who tell you “global warming is real” and “We won’t publish this book – it’s just one long stalker letter to Christiane Amanpour.”  There are loads of great chemical and dietary supplements to help you sleep, and we recommend them all.  As Mother Yasumura used to say, “When you just need to stop having these thoughts, you take when you can get…now Baby, do the dance Mama likes so much!”  There’s Zanex, Unisom, heroine, Benadryl, Lunesta, marijuana, alcohol, horse tranquilizers (Keith Moon Killers), and on and on.  Better still, there are a virtually infinite number of combinations therein - just play around with different cocktails and see what works for you.  Try a roast turkey leg, hit of Rohypnol, and a bottle of warm NyQuil.  Go crazy.  Don’t forget, you can also take stimulants, and when the crash comes, you will sleep like crazy.  Yeah.  If sleeping is your issue, the cure might be less sleep – a lot less sleep…talking really fast with a stripper named Dakota (who is actually from South Dakota!  How crazy is that?!) in the house of some guy you don’t know (by the way, where is that fucking guy?  He said he was gonna take a leak, but he’s been gone for like a day…), ‘til finally you’re out of coke or meth or coke, and you drive home really fucking fast, put foil on the windows so the FBI can’t monitor you, and you finally get some really good sleep.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

Sep 21

Fry It Up In A Pan

Eating is the only bodily function we share with pretty much any friend or associate (unless you’re one of those people who goes in for social shitting).  It’s quite likely eating socially has its roots in our primitive origins.  For a defenseless animal (which is what we were until we invented shit like guns and sarcasm) eating is a particularly vulnerable activity, and eating with others would provide a certain amount of protection (though not from your father looking up from his dinner and calling you “a total disappointment”).  To this day, you will often find that your alertness is somewhat compromised during an engaging meal.  Be careful of this, because this is when bears will try to steal your pic-i-nic basket – and likely maul you to death in an orgy of blood and screaming (see “Grizzly Man”). 

We here at Team Yasumura always recommend eating with others – even if it’s just your lunch break at work.  This may seem like a great time to dine alone and be alone with your thoughts, but trust us, if bullies see you eating alone, then later, they’ll pull your pants down in front of the girl you like – or the cheer leaders will start a rumor about how you put your wiener in your dog or something like that… Oh, you think you’re immune from this kind of treatment, just because you’re forty?  Well fuck you man, it still happens…

Dining with strangers or acquaintances is one of life’s great delights.  As stated above it provides protection from various contemporary threats while eating (like a mime or Scientologist or masturbating guy), while being a chance to get to know one another better (and sometimes determine whether or not you would like to insert things in one another at a later time).    However, eating with new people presents a conundrum.  For the same reason it is a natural activity, also makes it repugnant, in that you are showing another person yourself at a vulnerable moment.  You are letting another person see how you feed.  You might just as well say, “Hey, you seem like a nice person, how would you like to come over and watch me masturbate (and weep)?”  So you might want to take check your behavior when eating with others: 

  Don’t eat naked.  Yes, of course you do it at home.  We all do.  Maybe after you know someone pretty well you can take off your pants…look, there are no hard and fast rules on this – just feel it out.

  Eat in an eating place.  A restaurant, a cafeteria, a picnic table, the belly of a nude Asian lady – something like that.   Sure, you want to go in a corner of the basement with your hard won food and gorge yourself, growling viciously at anyone who comes near…like Gollum, or Justice Kennedy.  Still, don’t do that.  If you’re in doubt, ask someone, “Is this someplace where humans gather and consume nutrition?”

  Don’t shit where you eat (yes, there’s a reason why that phrase exists, and it’s much more literal than you’d think).

  Don’t talk with your mouth full…OR, speak only when your mouth is full.  You can’t have it both ways, man. 

  Don’t make any weird eating noises.  We get it, OK?  You’re a fucking hippy, and you live on a commune where you don’t shower and normally eat from a communal bowl filled with legumes (or whatever the fuck your people eat).  But someone has taken the time to buy you food (so you can sign the papers declaring your mother officially dead), so why don’t you tie back your hair and stop with the grunting?

  If you were raised by Irish people, or Russians, or people from Chicago, you might think all meals should be drunken events which end in a fist fight then tearful hugging.  Just so you know, that’s probably not a good idea – unless your dining partner is disgusting person just like you, in which case, you’re probably a junky or living in Chicago, and then, social eating is the least of your problems.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

Sep 16

An Informed Electorate

The midterm elections are coming!  If you’re anything like us here at the Team Yasumura Compound, your own compound is all aflutter with preparations.  We’ve even put clothes on all of the children!  Always remember, for a good election day:  Bunting, Potato Salad and Ammunition (BPA for short – that’s how we remember it!).  The ammunition, by the way is for the celebratory gunfiring after your candidate wins, or the race riots should they be defeated.  Anyhoo…members of Team Yasumura may be looking to their leader for guidance in voting (provided they can vote – we’re big in the prisons).  Unfortunately we cannot advice you directly on whom or what you should vote, because we would lose our religious non-profit status (yeah, we’re technically a religion – we can marry people and get you out of the army and immortals won’t fight on our land…shit like that).  We can however give you some helpful hints as to what qualities a candidate should possess:

  Smug, elitist assholes will tell you, “America is a Republic – meaning we don’t directly make the decisions; we elect the people who make the decisions – so you want to elect the smartest person you can.”  This is just another way to keep those ivy-league fat-cats in power, and make you feel stupid for not actually understanding things.  You want to elect someone as stupid as you – if not stupider.  Someone who will never make you feel like the product of a terrible education (which strangely never seems to get better in your district…).  Used to be, the litmus test for a candidate was would you have a beer with this guy?  Go further…Would you do shots with this guy?  Would you sexually harass the waitress with this guy?  Would you get into a fight then escape by drunk driving with this guy?  Would you score crystal meth with this guy, then find yourself later that night fisting a cow for no apparent reason?  Then that’s your guy!  (If it’s a woman, just go for pro-business and a nice rack).

  Incumbents are just “Washington as usual.”  Don’t you want to “Send a message to those guys in Washington?”  Don’t you want to “Clean up all the mess in Washington?”  Then it’s time to elect a total outsider!  You know someone who can really get things done – by not having the slightest idea how things are actually done.  Sure, if elected, your candidate will likely spend most of their first term spinning their wheels and learning what the hell they are doing, but then they’ll really get some stuff done (your results may vary).  The more outsider-y the better (short of a foreigner…a dirty stinking foreigner). 

  Whoever the other guys in the gun club like.

  When your candidate speaks, they should make you feel, but not actually think.  It should just feel like good old fashioned common sense – it should make you feel all warm and angry.  That’s your guy.

  As always, the best candidates are business people (it doesn’t matter how shitty they may have been at business), because if there’s one sector of America that has never tried to screw us, it’s the business community.  Screwed overseas workers?  Sure.  Screwed the environment?  You bet.  But screw the American Consumer?  Never!  Don’t believe me, just take a look at your HP printer – now that’s a quality product for a quality price!  You’re welcome!  You know that candidate that can pay for their own campaign with their own money?  They must be really good at business (or negotiating a ridiculous compensation package from Hewlett Packard).  Vote for them, they’re rich!

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

Sep 8

End of and Era

At some point, one of your friends is going to marry someone you don’t like (unless you’re home schooled, in which case, MeeMaw and Pappy will always your best friends).  Yes, it could be that your old drinking friend Topher marries this totally controlling shrew named Shiela, and now instead being the most fun guy you know, he’s all “Jesus this” and “Roth IRA that.”  Or, it could be the girl on whom you’ve had a secret crush since high school suddenly marries this totally handsome black guy, and all of a sudden she’s like, “I don’t think I’m coming to Comic-Con this year, cuz Jamar isn’t really into it.”  Or, it your best friend might marry an unemployed alcoholic who’s been working on his writing career for eight years now (don’t judge).  The point is, it’s going to happen.  You’ll be angry at this new person.  You’ll feel jealous that someone is stealing your friend.  So what do you do?

  Let your feelings be known.  Your friend will really appreciate your honesty and reappraise his/her relationship with fresh eyes.  This is a moment that is guaranteed to bring you and your friend closer, beginning a fresh and prosperous new chapter in your lives together.

  Try to see things from your friend’s point of view – by seducing and having sex with their new significant other.  This is a great plan.  There are only three great ways this can work out:  1.  Afterward you say, “Man, I didn’t like you before, but now that I see what a great lay you are, I get it!” 2.  You can later say to your friend, “I totally nailed your lady/man – is that the kind of person you want to be with?”   And your friend gets it – and they’re like, “What was I doing with him/her, when I could have been hanging out with you all this time?”  3.  Your friend surprises you while you’re having sex with their spouse, but instead of getting mad, they get in bed too – and you guys end up in a totally fulfilling three-way relationship. 

  Don’t do anything…But keep thinking about it.  Really think about it over and over.  Then, just wait.

  Go out and have sex with someone who looks just like your friend.  That’ll show ‘em.  Also, this might be a good chance for you to find out you are gay. 

Now, the touchy-feelie-woman-types might tell you:  “Maybe you should let go, and realize that people change – that relationships change – and through letting things change we find spiritual and emotional growth.”

  This is complete and total bull shit.  If you don’t work hard to keep things exactly the same as they are, chaos and aging will ensue, and all of a sudden you’ll have children and cancer. 

One final note:  Your friend’s marriage likely won’t last.  It’s probably a first marriage in which they’re working out the last of their adolescent issues.  So, at the wedding, instead of making a speech, just stand in front of the guests and say, “The clock starts now!” and click a stop-watch.  Everyone will have a great laugh.

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

Aug 29

…Next To Godliness

Keeping a clean home is important, though very few of us have this matter in perspective.  Surely, there are some of us who live in squalor (mostly emotionally stunted straight men, or weird girls trying to make a point about how much they hate their mothers).  So too, there are those of us who over- emphasize a clean and orderly living space (usually out of work gay men).  Neither of these extremes is ideal, and all of us know it, but have trouble putting cleanliness into the proper proportion.  But how do you know if you are out of balance in this part of your life?  Look around your home, and see if any of the following criteria apply:

SLOVENLY:  I don’t know if you know this, but any amount of feces is too much feces.  Even that little bit stuck to the rim of the toilet that you keep trying to dislodge with urine is too much.  You are disgusting. 

SLOVENLY:  Seriously, you own an X-Box, but not a vacuum cleaner?

SLOVENLY:  You named a mouse or cockroach.  Hey, that’s not whimsical, that’s the behavior of a homeless person.  In case you didn’t know:  From microbes to children, no living thing should be residing in your home to which you did not give specific permission.

SLOVENLY:  If you’ve ever said, in your own defense, “Even though you can’t see it, I know exactly where everything is,” chances are you’re not just a pig, you’re also some kind of hoarder.  Maybe it’s time to get rid of the shot glass collection, yes?  And while we’re at it, your collection of tampon applicators from the beaches of the world…no one wants to see that.

SLOVENLY:  Go stand in your shower, without the water running, for three minutes.  Did you have an asthma attack?  It’s time you were introduced to a product called bleach. 

NOTE:  Most women can get away with this behavior, provided they give a fairly good blow-job and make certain declarations during coitus. 

To be fair, slovenly people tend to be more easy-going, fun-loving people.  They’re great people to know…..they’re just great people who live in filth and don’t have an IRA. 

ANAL:  If you’ve ever foregone sex for cleaning, there is a problem.  Remember, a clean house is supposed to get you sex, you neurotic moron. 

ANAL:  Upon leaving the dentist, you ask for extra toothbrushes to clean grout.  It is a virtual certainty you are spending too much time at home. 

ANAL:  Any sort of non-sexual fascination with the aesthetics of Sweden pretty much guarantees you have some form of OCD. 

ANAL:  Look at your calendar.  If there is a specific date per month you designate for de-liming your shower head, chances are you had too close a relationship with your mother. 

ANAL:  How excited are you to talk about the miracle of Micro-Fiber cloths?  If you said at all, it’s too much. 

ANAL:  Nature just seems messy.  You must be a fucking joy to be around. 

NOTE:  Most men over the age of twenty-eight can get away with this behavior, because, as women age they stop being interested in exciting men.  “You cook and iron?!  Holy shit!  Well, I’ll take that over a quality orgasm any day!” 

Here’s a good rule of thumb:  Your house should be clean enough that a woman, who is a college graduate, would come over and have sex without getting all weepy and distant afterward.  Even if you are a woman, this is a pretty fair standard (and if you are a woman who went to liberal arts college, the chances are it’s happened at least once).  On the other hand, you should not be cleaning your house in such a way that you believe you are cleaning what’s wrong with you.  In other words, you should not keep your house so clean that you are not living your life…even if your life is obsessing over your profile on J-Date. 

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions

Aug 27

The Traveler

Traveling is extremely stressful;  it can be bodily, psychologically and spiritually devastating.  Remember, as recently as one hundred years ago, it was not uncommon for people to die as a direct result of travel (also, one hundred years ago it was common to correct all manner of illness with elixer of cocaine…so it all worked-out).  Though long distance travel has become faster and more convenient, it is still fraught with all sorts of perils and stressors.  Just ask any comic from the eighties, and man, you will get an earful – an earful of hilarity! (Coincidentally, all comics in the eighties did a lot of cocaine).  The specific hazards of travel, and their remedies are too numerous to list herein (but, as a rule of thumb, take a lesson from history:  always travel with cocaine, and you’ll be laughing your travel-troubles away in no time!).  Here are just a few tips that should make your next trip a better one: 

  Used to be, if you were in a foreign country, and you got in trouble, all you had to do was stand up, and in a loud, clear voice say, “Hey, I’m a Goddamn American you bunch of fucking faggots!”  and all problems would cease.  However, since Barack “Muslim Hitler” Obama became President, Americans don’t get quite the free ride they once did.  Some people might tell you to put a Canadian flag on your backpack, be polite and hope for the best.  Nonsense.  A Canadian flag is an invitation to have people asking you to tell a joke, or say the word “About.”  Instead of a Canadian flag, why not a handicapped placard?  Just walk with a limp and talk with a mild slur.  You will get a Disneyland Fast Pass pretty much wherever you go.

  Xanex.  If you get anxious traveling, you want Xanex and lots of it.  Macrobiotic homosexuals will recommend St. John’s Wort, or meditation, some such nonsense.  Wrong.  Go to the most scrip-happy shrink you can find and tell him:  “If there isn’t an extreme danger of addiction, I don’t want it.  So make with the Zanex, or the Klonopin, or the Ambien – cuz full-blown consciousness is not serving me well.”

  If you have any doubts about the legality of something, keister it.

  You can get a free room for the night and extra spending cash, in any major city in the world, if you are willing to adopt a certain pliability to your sexuality.

  Foreign food is shit – if not out right poisonous.  MacDonald’s is in every country and it’s the only thing which won’t kill you (not quickly, at least).  MacDonald’s also has this added bonus:  In most countries it doubles as a U.S. embassy.  So, if you’re ever in trouble, run to the golden arches and the police can’t touch you. 

  Foreigners are much more hospitable than Americans.  Seriously, if you knock on a poor person’s door and say “I want food,” they’ll totally feed you – even if they have to kill their last goat.  The etiquette of hospitality runs so deep over seas that you can just ask for stuff.  Don’t be afraid to say, “Hey, I like this painting, can I have it?”  If you don’t believe it, the Team Yasumura compound is decorated with precious family heirlooms from indigent Eastern Europeans – all free!

  Finally, travel with someone.  Generally speaking, you want to travel with someone you just started dating.  That always works out.  

Feb 22

Notes to Ryan Stout 6

Dear Mr. Stout –

I don’t know how else to say this, so here it is:  My sister wants to fight you.  I took her to one of your shows, as part of her therapy, and since then, she hasn’t talked about anything else except fighting you.  Listen, I know it’s a big thing, but you’d be doing me a solid if you’d agree to fight her.  It might help her to be more like she was before the accident.  You don’t even have to go easy on her – really beat the shit out of her if you want.  She only weighs, like, 90 lbs. or so, and she can’t really see out of her left eye, so you can really go to town on her.  Let us know.

Yours in Christ,

Robert Yasumura

Feb 21

Elevator Conversation

Relating to strangers should be simpler than we make it.  You should be able to go up to a stranger and say, “I sure do like to eat and fuck!”  And they would reply, “Me too!  What do you like to eat, and who do you like to fuck?”  Conversation would ensue.  It’s like Auntie Yasumura used to always say, “A stranger is just a friend with whom you haven’t yet discussed eating and fucking”  (Auntie Yasumura died the way she lived, from type II diabetes and syphilis…and also a knife fight, cuz she had a mouth on her).

However, it’s not that simple.  Though we are social creatures, we also have an innate distrust of strangers.  Anthropologists tell us this comes from our ape ancestors, who thrive in clans, but will also fight outsiders.  Of course, this is left-wing nonsense.  We are this way because Jesus wants us this way.  Jesus also wants us to handle snakes and speak in tongues and kill homos.  No one knows why Jesus wants these things, but it just makes sense.  Still, in case the scientists are right, you might want to emit a musk that tells people, “I’m not a threat, but I am strong.”

As the human populations have grown (six billion at last count, because Jesus also wants  the rapture will be well attended), points of common human experience have splintered and fragmented.  It used to be, you could go up to a guy and say, “Man, I got the cholera real bad – you got cholera?”  Even in the modern age we had more points of common overlap.  “Hey did you happen to catch Johnny Carson last night?”  “Well, since there are only three channels, and there literally was nothing else on TV – yeah, I caught Carson last night.  What else was I going to do?  Talk to my wife?  I don’t think so.”  However, the explosion of new media has taken us all deep into our own subcultures.  That stranger at the bank?  He might really be into LARPing (live action role playing – yeah, it’s a real thing, because Renaisance Fairs weren’t faggy enough).

Truly, we are left with only a few safe points of discussion upon first interaction:

•  The weather.  We all experience the weather.  Even shut-ins are interested in the weather, if only to say, “I miss the feel of sun on my face – but not so much that it outweighs my fear of everything.”  People can’t have an opinion about the weather; it is what it is, so it’s a fairly safe topic of conversation.  Still, be careful.  If, for instance, someone says to you, “Can you believe how warm it is for February?”, what they might mean is:  let’s talk about global warming.  You don’t want to talk about global warming, because if you don’t talk about it, it isn’t real.  Still, in general, weather is a pretty safe topic.  In fact, if you really want to be socially adept – the guy who lights up any room – really bone-up on your weather trivia, and maybe even the science of meteorology.  You’ll make life long friends wherever you go.

•  Sports.  “It’s a sad statement about our society that we’ll pay a single athlete the same amount of money it would take to fund a school for a year.”  Hey, guess what Morticia?  No one wants to hear that, so go back to your lesbo-cave and read your Susan Sontag, alright?  Most people can, and will talk sports, if only for a little while.  Don’t talk about sports for too long though, because the conversation inevitably ends with one person saying, “I like sports, because it allows me to feel something without actually examining my feelings…sigh.”  Sports are a common point of reference for almost all societies throughout history.  Though we may support different teams, the experience of the games is a universal point of affection.  Unless, of course, you’re in Boston.  If you say anything against the Redsox in Boston, they’ll fucking kill you, then eat your heart to steal your soul.  Ask Martha Coakley.

•  Celebrity Gossip:  “Dear Britney Spears – Sorry you went crazy there for a while and shaved your head and showed everyone your snatch and all that.  But thanks for giving us all something to talk about and judge for a little while.  Otherwise we would have had to discuss Dad’s alcoholism.  You took one for the team, you dumb hill-billy lunatic.  Thanks again, sincerely, Everyone currently alive.”

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions

Feb 17

Causes and Conditions

The love between a parent and child should be unconditional.  For instance, it’s probably a bad idea to withhold love from a child because they got a B+ instead of an A.  That’s what first generation Asian parents do, and that’s why there are so many Asian girls in porn.  As a general rule, though children need clear boundaries, they should feel that they are safe and loved at all times.  This is not only a Platonic ideal, it’s likely the best way to produce well-adjusted adults.  Of course, there are no guarantees.  You can do everything right and your kid might still be like, “I want to go on the stage Mama!  Can’t you see me dance Mama!”

You must consider boundaries for your child and your own personal boundaries while not letting those become conditions for love.  It can be confusing and overwhelming at times, but if that ever happens, do what all good mothers do:  Have some General Foods International Coffee and pray to Oprah for guidance.  You also might want to watch whatever happens to be on TLC at that moment.  After seeing some weird Christian lady raising twelve kids, or some guy with flipper hands go on a date, you’ll be like, “Yeah, I can do this…we’re going to be alright, little baby;  we’re going to be just fine.”  Then smile knowingly and sing “Wind Beneath My Wings.”

Here are some guidelines for boundaries:

•  Your child’s boundaries:  There are the obvious things, like “Don’t touch the stove,” or “We don’t head-butt mommy in the vagina.”  There will be subtler issues as well.  For instance, don’t shame your child when they turn gay (they all do, what with television and teaching evolution in schools and whatnot);  however, you might suggest, “Hide your homosexuality – especially from your father, who expresses his confusion with anger.”  The boundaries you set should be designed to make your kids safe and comfortable in the civilized world.  This is why home-schooling is best.  Your kids will be safe at the compound, where you can prepare them with firearms-training and bible study.  Then, when the ATF comes, or the Rapture (likely the same event), they’ll know what to do.  Don’t try to interfere.  Let that baby bird leave the nest.

•  Your own boundaries:  Parenting is often about sacrifices (at least, according to Mama Yasumura…if she’s any indicator, you might want to keep a list of those sacrifices, so you can read it to your kids during menopause).  It’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and wants. It’s important that you do not let this happen.  You need to eat and sleep.  You need adult friends.  Sometimes you need to leave your child in the car for a few minutes while you go into an unmarked building in West Hollywood and later come back really sweaty and strangely calm.  Whatever it is, you can’t raise healthy children if you are physically, mentally or emotionally unwell yourself.  This is why, in airplanes, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first, then help your child.  That way you are both OK, for the last thirty seconds of your lives, before you become debris all over the Midwest.

•  Expression:  You might want to be careful how much you express your unconditional love for your children.  We’re not talking about having sex with your kids – but you shouldn’t do that either – unless you’re willing to commit to that lifestyle.  In a non-sexual relationship with your kids, too much love and support can stunt the child.  Then you end-up with a thirty-two-year-old man smoking pot in your basement (don’t judge).  If you ever feel like this might be happening, run what Papa Yasumura used to call “a drill.”  At 3 AM or so, run into your child’s bedroom, blowing an air-horn, and screaming, “It’s a nuclear holocaust – what are you going to do?!  What are you going to do?!!  If you died right now, would you have any regrets?!  Are you actualized as a person?  Are you?!!” Those kids will leave home at the appropriate time, and soar like eagles.

•  Conditions:  The truth is, there is no such thing as unconditional love.  Even in the love between parent and child, there should be reasonable conditions, like “If you committed genocide, it might be a problem for me.”  No matter how remote such situations may seem, it might be a good idea to explain them to your child at some point.  You can use the New York Penal Code, as expressed on “Law & Order” to be your guide.  For instance, “If you committed Manslaughter 1, I’ll still love you;  however, Murder 2 and Santa is never going to visit ever again.”  Usually around age eight or so, you should write out a list and read it to them.  Things like, “If it turns out you are a serial rapist, you will need to get your own attorney;  but if it’s date-rape, I have some money set aside.”  Or, “I would rather you not embezzle funds from a company, but I’ll still send you a savings bond on your birthday.  On the other hand, don’t manage a Ponzy Scheme in which you wipe out ten percent of Jewish wealth in America .  That would be a deal-breaker.”

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

Feb 15

Pick a Card

Most of life is guess-work.  Your elders never told you this.  They made it seem like they had the answers to everything.  For instance, the answer to uncomfortable feelings is alcohol, or food.   Another for instance: when you misbehave, the answer is for Daddy to leave. Had your parents, teachers or other elders (including the people on TV), told you that most of life’s decisions are educated guesses, there would have been utter chaos.  You would have realized your parents had no actual authority or knowledge, therefore you would have had no reason to listen or obey them.  Then you would have become a homosexual.  However your parents did manage to maintain the illusion that they knew what the hell they were doing, at least long enough to get you educated and out of the house.  Then you realized you didn’t know what the hell you were doing, and you called your Dad, and said, “Hey Dad, what the hell am I supposed to do now?” And he said, ”Ha, ha, ha – jokes on you asshole, I don’t know either!”  Then your mom tried to get on the other line, but accidentally clicked the call-waiting…

So now you are an adult, and you have to make adult decisions.  Should you have kids?  Probably not, what with your chronic depression and lupus.  On the other hand, kids might fix that abusive marriage you’ve got going there.  So kids it is!  Should you go to law school?  After all, the world doesn’t need more lawyers, and you’re not really interested in the law.  On the other hand, you have no other ideas.  Law school it is!  Should you buy a house?  Do you have a pulse and a credit score?!  Of course you should buy a house!  It’s like buying a cash machine that never empties (This blog was originally written in 2007)!

Particular human decision-making is, in reality, an emotional process.  As David Hume said, “Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions, and can never pretend to any other office than to serve and obey them.”  That is, though logic and knowledge may inform our decisions, it is our desires and needs which ultimately make the decisions.  This is why you kept dating that crazy person for six years, and managed to convince yourself it was a good idea.  It should be noted that Hume was likely a closeted homosexual in the 18th century.  Given that fact, his emotional side decided it was best to become an alcoholic.

Similarly, most public policy is a guessing-game, and like your parents, political leaders don’t want you to know this, because it would make you sad.  For instance, economics is more philosophy than a science.  Economic philosophies vary widely – and no one has been proven definitively correct.  The whole of the economic policy of the U.S. is based on the philosophy that a giant, unregulated economy which is largely fueled by falsely perceived value, will keep going forever, making the world perfect and new.  And, as long as we all continue to believe that, it will be so.

Of course, public policy making is devoid of particular emotional concerns.  Though still a guessing game, it is a guessing game made by careful deliberation of what will do the most good for the most people.  For instance, the invasion of Iraq was clearly a carefully considered decision;  not the incredibly reckless, and possibly illegal, actions of a few men who just really had a hard-on for invading Iraq.  The denial of gay-marriage is another example of good solid thinking.  It’s not like we deny 7-10% of the population a basic human right just because we think being a homo is icky, right?  It’s not like we refused to ratify the Kyoto Protocols because we were too lazy or greedy.  No, we carefully looked at the opinions of every credible climatologist in the world, and then said, “You’re wrong.”  So, rest easy fellow Americans.  Although you might make irrational decisions (like buying a car you can’t afford), your government is a rational entity that makes good decisions (like allowing finance companies to give you a loan for that car you can’t afford).

Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.

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