Perchance to Dream
Perchance to Dream
After a long hiatus, the Team Yasumura blog has returned. This week it is transmitted from The Team Yasumura Compound East, in an undisclosed location in the wilds of New England (just past the Dunkin’ Donuts; if you hit the Cumby’s, you’ve gone too far). Of course, New England was the recent victim of Hurricane Irene’s mighty wrath (Hurricane Irene by the way was also the name of a feather-weight champion in the short-lived Women’s Octogenarian Bare Knuckle Boxing League). Team members need not worry. Although people in Vermont have lost everything (mostly hippie stuff), the Team Compound remains intact. Robert, his various girlfriends, children and security personnel remain unharmed.
Having once again been shown favor by the mighty Zeus, Robert has begun screaming his blogs to his dutiful manservant Andreas, who transcribes them and adds them to the Team’s body of wisdom.
No doubt about it. This sure is a crazy mixed up world, where a gorilla can jump out of anywhere; you could find yourself on a cross country race for buried treasure; bikini clad girls might dance around while your band plays at an impromptu beach luau. Also, there’s genocide. Anyhoo, it’s easy to get caught up in the frenzy of day-to-day living and lose sight of the basics
At our core, we are still animals, and as such, the most essential things we must do every day are eat, sleep, and excrete. Sure, you can skip one of these things sometimes, but why would you? Do you have something to prove? Are you a Navy Seal all of a sudden? Are you some kind of anti-pooping fetishist? Honestly! The general suggestion is, barring extreme conditions, to take care of these basics every day.
Of course, for the sake of convenience and efficiency, you can combine these activities. You could, for instance, shit while sleeping. The Japanese have been doing this for years, and it accounts for their economic success through the 1980’s. Unfortunately, in the ‘90’s Japanese workers suddenly thought they were too good to shit in their beds, and their economy went to hell. You could also eat meals on the toilet. Eating on the toilet takes some getting used-to, and it generally ruins the pleasure of both activities, but it definitely can be done. Some people can even eat while sleeping (lucky bastards on feeding tubes, or who sleep walk, or who have intense eating disorders and sleep on pillows made from cold cuts). However, for most of us, there really is no practical method for achieving this feat without potential bodily harm (like Mother Yasumura used to always say, “People who sleep on ham, die on ham.”)
Of these activities, sleep takes up the most time. You have spent, and will spend, roughly a third of your life sleeping. It is vital to good physical and mental health that you get the appropriate amount of sleep, and an appropriate quality of sleep. An example of high quality sleep is you just lying there, breathing. An example of poor quality sleep is you tossing and turning while gripping a handgun and muttering, “The damn gooks are inside the wire sarge!”
There are lots of books and pamphlets on the subject of sleep and health (the best one is Anne Coulter’s “Eat, Sleep, Hate”). You should read every single one of these books. Take a leave of absence from work if you must. In the mean time, here are some tips about sleep from Robert Yasumura:
• You can never sleep too much. Don’t let any “expert” tell you differently. You can sleep twenty-two hours a day without a problem. This in no way indicates anemia, Epstein-Barr, sleeping sickness, or clinical depression. If a “doctor” tells you otherwise, you tell them “Go back to your magical potions and your Obama-Care you devil-wizard!!” If that doctor really cared about your sleep, he’d spoon with you for an hour while you caught a nap. Remember, in many societies, excessive sleeping is considered a sign of virility (citation needed).
• You’ve heard the phrase “sleep like a baby.” Yeah, babies are like theat. They just lie there, all peaceful, as if to say, “Check me out. This is what sleep looks like when you’re not anxious all the time about your bad life choices!” You should be so lucky as to sleep like a baby. Give it a try. Build an adult sized crib; sleep in a diaper; every four hours, wake up and suck a tit. If you want more information on this topic, Google “Adult Baby Play.” Not only might you learn to sleep better, you might discover a whole new lifestyle.
• Drugs: Many people will tell you natural sleep is best. These are the same assholes who tell you “global warming is real” and “We won’t publish this book – it’s just one long stalker letter to Christiane Amanpour.” There are loads of great chemical and dietary supplements to help you sleep, and we recommend them all. As Mother Yasumura used to say, “When you just need to stop having these thoughts, you take when you can get…now Baby, do the dance Mama likes so much!” There’s Zanex, Unisom, heroine, Benadryl, Lunesta, marijuana, alcohol, horse tranquilizers (Keith Moon Killers), and on and on. Better still, there are a virtually infinite number of combinations therein -
just play around with different cocktails and see what works for you. Try a roast turkey leg, hit of Rohypnol, and a bottle of warm NyQuil. Go crazy. Don’t forget, you can also take stimulants, and when the crash comes, you will sleep like crazy. Yeah. If sleeping is your issue, the cure might be less sleep – a lot less sleep…talking really fast with a stripper named Dakota (who is actually from South Dakota! How crazy is that?!) in the house of some guy you don’t know (by the way, where is that fucking guy? He said he was gonna take a leak, but he’s been gone for like a day…), ‘til finally you’re out of coke or meth or coke, and you drive home really fucking fast, put foil on the windows so the FBI can’t monitor you, and you finally get some really good sleep.
Stay Strong America, and Await Further Instructions.